WOW!!!

   Life happens so quickly these days! A week ago, my husband was involved in a standoff with a man who sent so many bullets flying through the air that it's a miracle nobody was injured or killed. This week, our family grew instantly & surprisingly & life as we know it, has changed, yet again. Hold on to those you love because things can happen so very quickly. 
   For those of you who are close to us, you have probably heard me say, over & over again, that we're not adopting anymore kids! And you've heard Bryan say, "yes we are!" We've always been different on our timing of these matters, but we had agreed to get one more child after Paisley. We weren't in any hurry and over the past year, we have gone back and forth. Our license is up for renewal in March (I think) & we had pretty much decided that we weren't going to renew. We were going to close the doors & be finished. Three kids is enough, right? Well, God, as always, has other plans! It's been months since we've heard from the county and we haven't been actively expecting or trying to get a child sent our way. We've settled into somewhat of a routine with three kids & we have been completely content. Tuesday afternoon at around 3:00, I received a phone call about a little boy who needed a home right away. I was given some information & asked if we would be willing to take him in, knowing that it could very well be temporary. I decided that we would do it, before I even told Bryan everything because I knew, without a doubt, that he would say, "absolutely". So when I asked what right away meant, thinking like before the week was up or something, I was told, as in right now. As soon as you can...is that ok? Well of course it's ok! This little boy needs a home & we need to love him for as long as is necessary & I know we're  not very prepared, but we'll make it work! So within an hour, we found ourselves at the CPS office signing placement papers and we still hadn't met this little boy. Our kids only new what was going on because we ran home to grab a car seat for him & they were all thrilled with getting a new little brother! Except Paisley because she was still asleep.
   So finally, the social worker asked if we were ready to meet him. I said yes & we went back into the room to meet him & bring him home. I found the sweetest, cutest little guy you could imagine who was scared, hungry & tired. I scooped him up into my arms & just cuddled him & tried talking to him. He was pretty shy at first, but the promise of coming home to play on the swings brought a little bit of excitement to his big brown eyes. We got outside of the office and he grew a little more animated with each step we took, and on the ride home was squealing "WEEEEE" from the back seat of the Jeep. He hit it off with the other kids right away & was obviously going to love playing outside and on the swing set. Even Paisley was excited for him, after she had gone to sleep with a family of 5 and woke up to a family of 6. Can you imagine what they were all thinking?
   So here we are. Saturday. And after only a little more than 4 days, he runs around the house with the girls, laughs and plays & giggles, gets excited for his bath time, sleeps through the night, eats like a champ & acts exactly like the rest of my kids! I am, head over heels in love with this sweet little guy & I will do anything I can to give him a super happy life, no matter how long he's with us. I am praying for forever, but I do know that there's some risk & although it's scary, we're prepared for it. And I don't think I would change a thing. It's been an opportunity for us to show God's love through our family, opportunity to talk to Roman, Katie & Paisley & help them to understand that he may not be here forever, but we're going to love him and treat him as our own until everything gets decided. They seem to understand and be ok with it. He's like a visitor for an extended time, and they're happy to have a new friend. We're happy to have another member of our family & no matter what happens, I think I'm finally on board with four kids. It's not so bad...it's actually pretty fun :)
  
  

Anger & Marriage

   So who gets in a HUGE fight with their spouse, on the way to church, when the message being given is about building stronger marriages? That'd be ME!! And I managed to make my husband so angry that he turned around and drove home, leaving me to go by myself with our two daughters. I pulled back out of the driveway and ALMOST didn't go, since I was on the verge of tears & didn't feel much like worshipping OR hearing about how marriage SHOULD be when my own wasn't going so great. Plus, I was late and I wasn't feeling it. I desperately wanted both of us there to hear these great messages together. Something inside of me, in spite of all the factors telling me not to go, there was a voice telling me that now was when I needed to go the most. So I quit yelling, I quit fighting, I sucked it up & went to church. I sang my praises, I finished our argument via text message while I was listening to the pastor give the sermon, although, the finish of the argument was probably much softer with me sitting in a church pew than it would have been if I would have stayed home, so that was a good thing. I was feeling cynical, angry, hurt, all of these things that weren't positive, uplifting or nice, but because of the nature of the sermon and the truths found in God's word, I was going to let it go & not ruin the entire day with a dumb fight. (Especially since I can't even remember what the fight was over! All I remember is that I was in a crummy mood and my husband was antagonizing me)
  So I put on my happy face, exchanged pleasantries with my friends & pretended all was fine. Which was one of the things that was cutting me deep. Bryan told me that I was different at church than I am at home with him. I don't want to be different at home than at church! But we're all guilty of that, aren't we? For whatever reason, we always seem to hurt the ones we love the most. We, or at least I do, always put my best foot (or at least my better foot) forward when I'm at church. When I'm at home, I yell more, I swear, I say & do things that I would never do at church! Not because it's forbidden, but because it's just not how I want people to see me. So why do I let this other person come out with my husband and kids? Why do I let it bother me so much that he's never read even one of my blog posts? Why can't I ask him nicely to help with the kids or cook dinner or do a load of laundry? Why must I always be such a nag? Why do I get so angry when I know he's just trying to push my buttons? Why do I have such a hard time taking care of him when he's not feeling well? Why do I listen to sermons on building better marriages and see so many things wrong with our relationship? I'm pretty sure its because the enemy is constantly on attack and he wants us to fail. God doesn't. God knows we are all imperfect and full of sin. He knows the real me. (He knows ALL of the real me's!) I am determined to be a different person, a better version of me, always! I don't feel that I've been living up to my full potential & I want more for my husband and kids. Our pastor made a perfect point on Sunday when he said that we need to put our spouses needs ahead of our own. I've known this, always, but I never feel like Bryan puts my needs ahead of his. Guys need reminded more than women! (I'm totally kidding, of course!) But seriously, this isn't about me! Being a wife, being a mom, being a child of God...none of this should be about ME. You know that whole "love is not self-seeking" verse in the bible? Yeah. That one! How about "love keeps no record of wrongs." Or how about the fact that "it isn't easily angered?" I've got some of that verse down at least. I DO trust my husband, I protect my family with everything I have & we always manage to persevere. But when I look at that, I see so many things I'm doing wrong! I need to lighten up & enjoy my marriage & enjoy my kids. I know that Bryan isn't always the most thoughtful and he gets pretty lazy about our relationship, but instead of just giving up and giving in to the arguments, why not change myself? Why don't I put more effort in and make sure we make the time to spend some time alone together? Why don't I initiate the conversation or just tell him, point blank, EXACTLY what I want from him? (Believe it or not, guys are completely clueless sometimes & they don't always get subtlety!) It doesn't have to be some grand gesture (although that would be nice), but just little things. I think that, although our marriage is good & strong and we love each other more than anything, there is a lot of improvement to be made. It can be better. Heck, it can be GREAT! And if my husband gets too wrapped up in life to make the first move at improving it, I can certainly do that! I can change my attitude and my reactions to disagreements and I can respond with love. With a 1 Corinthians kind of love! I've seen it happen. I know God can heal those places in our marriage where we're hurting and he can nurture us back to the place He wants us to be.
    I give it to you Lord! Please guide my every step, my every word, my every thought. Everything about me, make it about You! I want my focus to be on You first, my husband second & I want You to change MY heart. Help me to offer the unconditional love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I need to GIVE that kind of love before I can receive it. Please Lord, forgive me for the anger, the impatience, the unkind words and thoughts. And also Lord, help me to not be so hard on myself. I know You created me and I need to accept that I'm really not so bad ;)  And thank you Lord. For this blessed life you've given me! Amen!


And here's a Paisley-ism, just for fun: I put on her pajamas tonight, her favorite "purple jammies" and she said, "mom! They're turning into Capri-sun pants!" (they were a little short)

Life Happens

   So life has been completely & totally crazy lately. Even more so than normal. We have several huge "life events" happening right now & it comes in the wake of so many more things having happened, beginning just one short year ago. Almost a year ago, Katie had her first of two, major orthopedic surgeries and since then, it has been one major thing after another. I have been so unbelievably emotional lately & trying to keep it all together, yet failing miserably. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of bad things happening, but there have also been so many big & small, glorious, wonderful, beautiful things happening too! It comes as no surprise that God always brings something good out of even the worse situations. My faith has been tested time & time again over the course of this past year. I've found that when I try to handle things on my own, its a major fail! But when I trust God and I stay in constant prayer & close contact with Him, everything is easier to cope with & everything turns out just fine! Sometimes, it turns out even better than what I imagine it to be. And I KNOW this to be true, yet I constantly try to take over and handle everything myself. Which ends up with me feeling broken, stressed, lonely, tired, angry, sad. and then what happens? I yell at my kids. I argue with my husband. I close myself off from people I love & I distance myself. I keep myself locked up in my hurt, in my sadness, in my anger & frustration. Bryan knows that I have these moments of crazy, screaming, seriously want to beat somebody senseless moments, so he asks the kids, "did mommy let her crazy out today?" And they know. They know the crazy mom. They know the one who completely loses control & gives in to all of those negative feelings. I don't want to be THAT mom!! I desire to be a kind, compassionate, gentle, soft, joyful mom with a fighters heart. I love my husband & my children with everything I have! But I NEED to love them better!! I NEED to be the wife, mother, & woman that they DESERVE. And it's time I become that person. There are things happening that are out of my control & it's not my job to worry about them. God has this all under control & my doubts, fears and worries are human nature, not godly feelings. Why am I telling myself that God can't handle it? I'm pretty sure He doesn't need my input! He has a plan and a purpose for me. He doesn't make mistakes. When I try to take over & handle it all myself, what am I saying about my faith? What am I showing others about my faith? In John 20:24-29, the bible tells about Thomas, one of Jesus' disciples. When Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe. He said he would only believe if he could put his hands in the nail marks or touch his hand to Jesus' side, only then would he believe. So a week later, Jesus appeared.
    John 20:27-29  "Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"
   Wow! STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE!!! I think it's normal for us all to doubt. It's normal for us all to give in to negative feelings & try to do it ourselves. But I needed this tidbit of TRUTH to remind ME to STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE. I need it to hit me over the head like a hammer and to remind me that I am NOT the one in control! I NEED Jesus. I NEED Him to knock me on the head and remind me, again, to follow, not try to lead. I need to pray and ask for guidance before any and all choices I make. I need to pray without ceasing and I need to get my focus back. I need to quit beating myself up about things I do wrong and instead, rejoice in the things we do for the Lord. I'm on my way to that, still a work in progress, but as Lysa TerKeurst writes, it's an imperfect progress!

Kiddos

   So I realized after two too many negative, whiny, complaining posts, it was time to change my attitude. We can only go around feeling sorry for ourselves for so long, right? Yes I get tired. Yes I get stressed. And yes, I question my choices at times. Me & every other person in the world!! Especially us moms, right? But I can never question my choice to be happy!! Not just happy, but joyful in ANY situation! :) And I have sooo much to be happy AND joyful about! I have these bright, wonderful, funny little people in my life that I get to be with every single day. And an amazing man I get to walk beside as my partner. My kids are growing & changing every day and along with that, comes a few growing pains. But we will take the good with the bad :)
   Roman is now enrolled in Butterfield, which is a Charter High School that works on independent studies. He does such a great job of staying on top of his work load and then helping out at home. He seems happier, more relaxed and has time for some extra curricular activities, such as the Explorers program. He worked all of last weekend at the county fair directing traffic and parking cars. And of course, he acted like a total goofball, dancing and shaking his booty the entire time, I'm sure! He is such a good kid and I am so proud of him. I'm excited that he has the potential to graduate from Butterfield by the time he's done with his junior year, which would make him only 16! Aaagghh!! And along with that, means that he can start college sooner. He can take classes at PC as early as he would like, but since I spend so much time running kids around, he has to wait until he has his drivers license.
   Katie is finally buckling down with her studies and coming out of her shell a bit more with our homeschool group. She really enjoys learning when it is FUN for her, which challenges me to make it fun :) An upcoming field trip to Save Mart & Staffords chocolates ought to help out with that! And fun science experiments seem to get her attention. Thank the Lord for the internet, because I am NOT a science experiment kind of person. And the one I thought sounded fun, concerning helium balloons, was NOT fun for her! She agreed to do the experiment, but it resulted in tears because apparently, she had a very serious attachment to the balloon, that I wasn't aware of at the time. Oops!! She is making huge progress in her power chair. That has changed her life!! She is so independent, she has freedom, she explores and it makes her so happy!! It makes her a little sassy too, but that's just one of those little growing pains I mentioned earlier. She now has her communication device and I kind of have that up & running. It's beneficial during school time, but she doesn't use it for functionality quite as much as I would like her too. Once the rep comes out and gets it set up & mounted to her chair, then hopefully she'll start using it more frequently. So many BIG changes in such a little life! But she's adjusting really well & learning to go with the flow. Which she's never liked! If there was ever a child that likes structure & routine, it would be sweet Katie! She has always had a great dislike for change!
   Paisley is going to be a quick learner & even though she has a hard time keeping her attention on one thing, she is getting to where she can do it when she is absolutely forced to. She wrote lower case a's the other day. She recognizes words when she sees them & you can just see the wheels turning in that pretty little head. She learned how to swing by herself today, which means a lot less cries for mommy. She is eager to please and has a mind of her own. The words that come out of her mouth sometimes are straight from my mouth to her ears! She is a little mini me and I'm not quite sure how I feel about that yet!! I'm so proud of her & she loves getting herself patted on the back :)
   I am just loving these kids that God put in my life and I thank Him everyday that they are such good kids! They keep me busy & they definitely keep me on my toes, but they are proof that God wanted to give me the desires of my heart:) Isn't it funny how He seems to know what He is doing? Even when we don't realize it? I continue to be amazed at His AMAZING love! I just need to keep reminding myself that I'm NOT doing everything wrong! My kids are good kids. They are being raised right and they are being raised to love God. Katie possibly wants to get baptized, which is just wonderful! I am looking forward to Bryan being off on a Sunday so that we can move forward with that, but in the meantime, I truly know that she loves God and that is what is important for her salvation. So I leave you with this: Proverbs 22:6-Start children off on the way they should go, and when they are old they will not turn from it. This is my goal. This is why I do what I do everyday. And that promise is what keeps me going. :)

Challenges

   Some days, I just want to throw in the towel. I want to quit home schooling, I want to quit being a stay at home mom and I even want to quit being a wife. I just want to sleep in all day & not feel like I'm constantly yelling at everyone or constantly being rushed everywhere I go. My frustration level with trying to get everything done is through the roof. Katie is such an amazing child and such an inspiration to everyone who knows her, but she can be such a challenge at times! She is absolutely the most stubborn child I have ever met. So many kids with special needs have behavior problems as well as their physical limitations and, from some of the things I've seen, those behaviors are there because they are allowed to be. In my experiences with Katie, I find that most people will let her get away with ANYTHING! There are very few people in her life that will push her, challenge her, and make her do things whether she wants to or not. Myself being one of them, one of her old speech therapists, her physical therapists, her occupational therapists and a few of her teachers. That's about it. Not even her dad! No matter the circumstance, no matter her behavior, no matter what she is supposed to be doing, only a handful of people hold her accountable for her actions. Is that real life? Absolutely not. She can't continue to live in a little bubble forever. As ideal as that would be, it's not fair to her, it's not fair to her siblings and it's not fair to those of us who are willing to push her. Somehow, I always end up looking like the bad guy, which, as a mom, I'm used to, but that doesn't make it any more fun.
   I have had such a challenge engaging Katie's mind since school started. Apparently, our summer was so much fun that she just wants it to continue! (Yay for fun summers!!) Every single day of school so far, she has had a crying fit, she has refused to do one thing or another & she has been completely distracted by Paisley. And I end up losing my temper or spending half the day figuring out a new way to teach her that will get her focused. Things that she used to know so well seem completely lost to her now, so review is turning into what I'm seeing as a backslide. And it's things that she HAS to know before she can learn something new. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing as her mom and as her teacher. I KNOW she's capable & I know she wants to, but she has so much fear about being "wrong" that she's afraid to put herself out there. She thinks that if she puts minimal effort into something that someone will bail her out. Even with spelling words, she won't just try to spell the word. She looks for confirmation that she's correct before proceeding. Last night at church, she wouldn't answer any questions she was being asked without looking to me for confirmation. Some days it's worse than others and today was one of the worse ones. I often wonder if this is as far as she's going to go. If her mind is just going to stop developing or if she's just being stubborn. I don't have the answers, but I don't think this is it. At these times, I need to remind myself of how the past year went. How crazy it was and how much Katie has been through. I don't want her going back to public school being so behind and I don't want learning at home to be so stressful. I finally have things working out at home with Roman having started his independent studies school, with a plan to be graduating by the time he's done with his junior year. Plus, he's at home to help me out with the girls. I am hoping that Katie will be more cooperative having Roman at home doing his schoolwork too, but so far, it's been about the same.
   Maybe I wouldn't feel like such a failure if I felt like I had any control at all. But even Paisley insists on ALWAYS being the center of attention. Good attention or bad attention, it doesn't matter to her. When I am finally able to get Katie doing something, along comes Paisley and blows it out of the water. It is a battle I feel like my 3-year old is winning!! I've considered sending her to grandmas during the day, just so Katie & I can stay focused, but then I realize that's not the answer. As ideal as it sounds, that isn't teaching Paisley anything. Having three kids is certainly a challenge. They all need to learn to behave. They all need to learn in general. There's rules and consequences in all things & even children as young as Paisley need to learn to practice self-control. From Paisley, all the way to Roman, they all need to learn.  Some days I feel like I'm not teaching anybody anything, but I need to remember that I am. Always! Even when it's things I don't want them to learn, their eyes are ALWAYS watching. It's my responsibility to teach them LIFE! How to live and walk with God. When I lose my temper with them or am being rushed or have no patience, they see real life come through, but they're not seeing grace during those ugly life moments.
   The other day, I was soooo overwhelmed with emotion, with stress, with being rushed, just with the busy life we've created. I was compelled to just stop, breathe & PRAY! I asked God to give me the strength I needed to get through the moment, to help me keep my composure while trying to search for everything before I could walk out the door, to give me the patience that I needed in that moment to be a good mom and to thank Him for my kids that were driving me crazy at that very moment. And you know what? I was gracefully given everything I needed. God didn't get angry with me, He didn't withhold His grace, He didn't yell at me for being impatient. He just gave me the peace I needed. I realized it immediately & realized that I needed to ask Him for help way more often. When I do that, I become the person He wants me to be and I am a person that I like! But alas, I usually find myself turning to God as a last resort instead of trusting Him to handle it to begin with. (Shame on me, I know, but I'm just keeping it real!)
   As I sit and ponder, which I do often, I think about what we can eliminate to make our lives easier. I feel like I rush around way more than I should, but I don't even know what is available to cast away. Between doctors appointments, therapy appointments, school schedules, and church activities, there's not much time left for anything else. By the time the weekend hits, I don't usually want to do ANYTHING. Add to that, dance classes (which aren't necessary, but the girls LOVE it), other family obligations, such as birthday parties and Bryan on a sometimes crazy work schedule, I need a little downtime. So when it comes to friends or family wanting to make plans or get together, please forgive me when I often say no or cancel plans. At this stage in my life, I am completely worn out and struggling to keep it all in balance. And although I love my husband dearly and I appreciate him so much for giving me the life we have and enabling me to stay home with the kids, I wish he could be here more often. Since we've been home from vacation, he's only had a few days off. And he works 12 hour shifts, which is usually more like 13-14 hours. Some days, some nights. Nights result in him sleeping during the day and days result in him going to bed super early.So I end up doing so much of this, if not all of it, by myself. The house suffers. It's NEVER "clean" anymore and by most peoples standards, it's downright messy most of the time. I don't think I've been caught up on laundry since we've been home & I already feel overwhelmed with the school year and it just started! Maybe homeschooling isn't the solution in some minds, but I really feel like it is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like it's what is best for the kids, even if that's just at this time. And maybe we haven't been learning in  the "traditional" sense, but we've been learning a lot about life over the last few weeks. We've been learning about God, which is the most important. We've been learning about technology, with Katie's communication device. And Katie has even been learning how to use my laptop for some of the online apps for school. And we've been given some time to be a family that we didn't have before. So overall, this opportunity has definitely been a blessing. And sometimes, writing it down helps ME to see it as such! So bring on the challenges. Bring on the hard work & more than that, bring on the desire to learn & the desire to teach. I am ready for tomorrow ;) I'm sure I'll complain again & again & again before it's all said & done, but just remember that I'm always a work in progress. I love my husband & my kids more than anything and I will do my best to love & cherish them the way they deserve. And I will never stop pushing them and challenging them.

Trusting God

   My week this week has been MUCH better than last week! I ended last week in a crying heap in my husbands lap because things just weren't going the way I wanted them to or expected them to. We hadn't been getting along for a while, I had been juggling all three kids and their crazy schedules completely on my own, Katie wasn't being very cooperative with her homeschooling, I've been waiting for Roman's homeschool program to call  me, I didn't have anyone to lean on because Bryan has been going through his own ordeal & Paisley had been a complete and total BRAT! She was defiant, she was fighting for my attention & it didn't matter if it was good or bad. I was in a pretty foul mood by the end of each day because my patience was being tested to the very end of each & every day. On Friday, Bryan came home from work and I started to complain about my day & he told me he didn't want to hear it. I was in tears and tired and just done. Finally, he asked me if I needed a hug and when I sat down on his lap to get a hug, the tears of defeat came without me having any control. His reaction wasn't what me or anyone else would want, but we were finally able to laugh it off.
   The bible tells us lots and lots of things about stress, about anger, frustration. God knew, when He sent Jesus to die for us, that we would face all of these problems in our lives. He also knew that the enemy would work overtime if he knows that we're getting closer to God. But let's be honest, when we're in the midst of a trial, or many at one time, it's REALLY hard (sometimes) to turn to God during those times. We, or at least I, always think that it's too minor or it's MY fault, why would God want to help me with it? And when I'm super busy on top of everything else, it's hard to find the time to open my bible and find what I need to find. But I'm learning that it's the only way I can do it!! Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? Because I was content being a "Sunday morning" Christian. I believed in God, I trusted God and I knew He was working in my life, but I was trying to take control of my life and striving for MY happiness. I was going to church on Sunday's, listening to the sermons, helping out with church projects whenever I could & striving to live my life for God, but I rarely read or studied my bible. I was always talking to God in my head, but I wasn't living for God out loud. Now, I realize that my trials are no different than what other's face. We all have issues. We all lose our faith at times & we all forget to trust God with our WHOLE life. We only want to let him in certain parts of our lives, but that doesn't work!! He knows EVERYTHING about us! He created us and He loves us. If you doubt this, I encourage you to read Psalm 139, written by David about not being able to hide from God. He knows the hairs on our heads, our thoughts, good AND bad & He is with us...whether we want Him there or not! Even in the midst of our trials. Small or large, He's there!
   I get frustrated with Katie at times. I know she has Cerebral Palsy, but that doesn't mean she's  not smart. Her body works differently than mine, her brain probably does too. But I find that when I'm not pushing her, she just wants to be lazy. She wants to be able to run around like her 3 year old sister and play all day long, instead of taking time for her school work. Homeschooling is tough. But I feel like other people don't have the same expectations for her that I have. And nobody knows that child the way I know her! She is stubborn as a mule and when she doesn't want to do something, she refuses to do it. If she were going to public school, she would probably not be quite as stubborn, but she might! And she would be able to get away with it because she has a way of wrapping people around her little finger without even trying. She also wouldn't have the heart for God that I'm able to help her realize at home. Besides her stubborn streak, once she opens up, there is no greater joy than watching her learn! It's sometimes just a matter of finding what works for her. Every child learns in different ways and I think by homeschooling her, she is able to reach her full potential. She is having the hardest time getting back into a routine though! Plus, she is so much more independent, that she has much more sass than she had before. I was feeling cheated the other day because I have this amazing little girl in my care that isn't physically able to do things for herself. She isn't able to keep her focus as long as other kids her age, she doesn't have the confidence to try new things very often. She won't answer a question unless she knows she has the right answer. How do you help her get past all of that? I have no idea. But I'm figuring it out and learning as I go. I try new & different things ALL the time and see what I can come up with. And sometimes, it feels like I'm losing more ground than what I'm gaining. But that's ok! Once we get through some of the basics, a whole new world will open up for her. And once she understands concepts, her confidence level increases. I saw some verses on disability the other day and the one I loved the most was 2 Corinthians 7-10. ...
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties,. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
   After reading this, it helped bring everything back into perspective for me. God is going to do amazing things in Katie's life! Where she is weak, He is strong. God is going to continue to do amazing things in my life. Where I am weak, He is strong. In the lives of Roman & Paisley. Where they are weak, He is strong. In Bryan's life. Where he is weak, God is strong. We can rejoice in our weaknesses, in our trials, in all of the difficult moments in our lives. We can ALWAYS know that God is strong during those times. He's strong for US!! He made us & He doesn't make mistakes :) After reading this scripture and figuring out what it meant for Katie, physically, then I heard it again in church on Sunday & I put it into perspective for my own life as well. I continue to be amazed at how God puts things in our lives, such as a certain scripture that I ponder during the week, to hear it come up at church on Sunday. And then be able to use it to comfort someone else in an unrelated situation. It's just another reminder that He is with us, at our weakest moments and at our strongest. I am so thankful for the life I have been blessed with. I will continue to make mistakes, I will continue to doubt His presence at times, I will lose patience, I will lack in self-control & I will not show love in the ways that I should & I'm sure that I will be quick to anger. But, through the blood of Jesus Christ, I am forgiven! My sins are washed away & God's grace is new every day. I am striving to become the woman He intends for me to be & sometimes I just need perspective. Just like Katie. I forget things too. I want to put blinders on & be lazy, but that's not going to get me anywhere. My focus needs to be on God & God alone. Everything else will fall into place the way that it should. Just trust that God knows EXACTLY what He's doing :)

Thankful

   Well, we are back to civilization, back to work, back to school & back to "normal" after 11 days in the mountains camping! As much as I love being outdoors and away from internet & cell phone service, I'm reminded of why, when I was little and this was my parents vacation, I used to spend half of it in town with my grandma. I don't like being dirty, I don't like doing all of the same stuff I do at home in a smaller space for so long & I don't like mosquitos and meat bees! And I dislike all of these things even more with 3 kids, two who are small girls that require most of my attention. However, I am still so very thankful for the time away & the quality time with family & friends who were able to be there too.
   I'm thankful that Katie got her power chair before we left and she was able to zip around ALL OVER the mountain, from campsite to campsite, go on "walks" throughout the campground and even one nature walk that nearly gave me a heart attack! (Her power chair is VERY heavy & she almost tipped it by not paying attention to the trail and veering off the side of the mountain.) I'm thankful that she has been MUCH more careful since we've been home. My hallway isn't taking near the beating it was before we left. I'm also thankful that Paisley got to spend time getting to know her family so much better, since she's the newest member and all :) Her and little Maverick are the absolute FUNNIEST kids ever, and since they're only about 3-months apart in age, their personalities mesh very well! I'm thankful that Roman was able to experience shooting his very first deer on his very first hunting trip ever. (He told me that I have to share his story on my blog, so that will follow shortly!) I'm also thankful that Bryan was able to experience his only son killing his first deer. I know that many of you aren't hunters, but it runs deep in both of our families and his first deer is a huge thing for us! AND topped only by the fact that he killed it with a bow :) And the fact that he did it, completely on his own.
   He went out walking and told us where he would be, because I require that just in case something happens. He had been gone for a couple of hours and I had been thinking, if Roman's not back soon, we're going to have to go find him. About that time, a shirtless kid in camouflage pants and a shirt tied around his head came RUNNING into camp saying, "I killed a buck! I killed a buck!" We're like, What?!?! He said it again and we asked if he killed one or just stuck one, since MOST people will stick a deer and come get everyone's help to track it. He said NO! "I killed it!" We asked, "Are you sure it's dead?" He said, "YES! I'm sure! I was dragging it" Me, being overly cautious of practical jokes, asked him if he was joking. I got the really, mom?! From Bryan & Dustin too. They were like, "He's NOT joking!" His excitement was evident and very contagious. We asked where the deer was and he said, "Right up the road, out of camp. I marked the trail with an arrow so I would know where to go." So we start loading up into the Jeep and Katie insisted on going with us, and since we thought it was "right up the road", we figured it would be ok. So Tyler & Maverick, Katie, Roman & I jumped in the Jeep and Bryan, Dustin, Robin & Susie jumped in the other jeep. Paisley stayed back & kept Kym company and off we went. We got up the road, Roman told me where to stop, the rest of the gang came back and Bryan said he would carry Katie because we had left her wheelchairs at camp and we still thought it was only a little ways up the trail. Katie was soooo excited!! She kept saying, "Yay Bubba!" It was super cute! Roman had marked the trail with orange flagging tape and on the way back down, Katie pulled it all off & she had to wear some on her hair as "Rambo Junior".So once we get on the trail and we're walking, and walking, and walking, and walking, we ask Roman how much farther it is. THEN he decided to tell us it was "Quite a ways further." UP the side of a mountain, by the way! Susie stopped part way up and decided to wait, the rest of us kept going. Finally, Katie & I decided to hang back and we sent Bryan to catch up to Dustin, Robin, Maverick & Tyler. I carried Katie a little further and we decided to wait by a rock, in the shade. She's over 40 pounds and I am NOT in the best shape of my life! LOL! Anyway, we're waiting and listening and can here the rest of them up ahead and out walks a pretty little doe to stand and stare at us. Then I see the rest of the crew rounding their way back down to us with Roman's deer in tow. They made it to where we were, tied up a harness and Dustin drug it back down the trail. We got almost to the road and they stopped to field dress it. When we got back to camp, everyone else was there and the celebrating began! Uncle Doah showed up and taught Roman how to skin it and we brought the deer down and put it in the locker the next morning. Roman just hung out and enjoyed every last bit of vacation after that. It was a pretty awesome experience and we were thrilled that he had paid enough attention to mark the trail & find his way back to camp. He was actually lost and didn't know where he was, but found the road and figured it out, thank God!
   Now that we're back to our "normal", we've made the decision to homeschool Roman, so we're waiting for a call back from the new program that he'll be joining. Katie has a new homeschool liaison and so her program is completely different than it was before. It's a good change, but it's going to take some getting used to. I'm feeling significantly overwhelmed with trying to recover from camping, getting laundry done, getting the housework done, the trailer unloaded & cleaned, figuring out our new routines, receiving even more new equipment for Katie & trying to keep my marriage in tact as we struggle with some issues that keep coming up. Proverbs 17:14 says, "Starting a quarrel is like breaching a dam; so drop the quarrel before a dispute breaks out." I'm not very good at this! And I'm failing miserably at keeping my cool and keeping it all together, but I know I can do it. Not alone, but I can do it with God's help. Psalm 55:22 says, "Cast your cares on the Lord and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous be shaken." Boy oh boy!! I am stressed to the max with all that is happening, but I MUST cast my cares upon the Lord! Because even though I am struggling with the trials I'm facing, I can do it all with God's help. And not only do it, but do it well. And even though our mountain vacation isn't my idea of a vacation, I'm still thankful for the time away, for my family, for the talk with my mom yesterday where she reminded me to just breathe & for the growth that was much needed on this trip. I'm also thankful that the kids had an amazing time and that Bryan had a great time too. And even in all of my complaining, I had a great time as well, I'm just having a hard time getting back to normal at home and it took me about half of the vacation before I felt like I was able to relax. But I'm very ready for a beach trip, and hopefully that will be my much needed vacation form vacation. Even if for only a day. ;)

Reality

   These last few weeks before school is starting back have FLOWN by! We have had the best summer ever! Or at least, the best one in a very long time. Hopefully my kids would agree :) But who knows! Some days, they seem to be enjoying every minute & other days, they can't stand the sight of us or each other! Yesterday started out that way. Bryan was extra grouchy, the kids were bickering ALL morning long, Roman was trying to be the parent instead of telling me what was going on, Paisley was being a terror and Katie was just caught in the crossfire. Bryan left to go work on his bow & I was a little relieved. Even though I had missed him soooo much the week before, his days off just weren't as pleasant as I had hoped. Stress, doubts, fear, anger...all that ugly stuff has been trying to creep back in. I got mad at the kids. I yelled at them. Very loudly. I'm pretty sure I even swore at them. Actually, I know I swore at them. Shame on me for that, but that's the reality of the situation and the reality of our lives. I do that sometimes. Not nearly as much as I used to, but it slips out sometimes and I am so not proud of it. But thankfully, God gives me grace that I absolutely do NOT deserve & I get chance after chance after chance to do it all over again. I heard someone say once to put orange cones all around them because they were a work in progress. Amen to that!! We all need to be reminded that we're a work in progress and so is everyone else we come in contact with every day. Including my beautiful children!! I'm FAR from perfect. Why on earth do I try to get perfection out of them?? After my outburst, I put all the kids to work helping out with housework. When they were forced to all work together, their attitudes changed, significantly! I looked up some verses on anger and found James 1:19-20. It says, "Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires." WOW. That put me in MY place! Don't get me wrong, I still managed to screw up yesterday, but those orange cones all around me keep me reminded that I need to offer grace as much as I need to receive it.   
   By the end of the day, things were MUCH better around the Clower house. I put the kids to work. CHORES!! Ugh! I hate them, and the kids hate them, but guess what? They were all more than happy to do it with a happy heart & no more fighting because they didn't want mom to yell at them again! Lol!! And even with the rough start, our day ended with our hilarious kids making us laugh, even this morning as I drove Bryan to work at 5:00! We had some late company and the kids were occupied. With Katie's new power wheelchair, she keeps herself very busy and it's AWESOME!! She is so much more independent, even in the short period of time she's had it. The walls are not doing so great, but to me, it's a small price to pay. We have to remind her to watch what she's doing sometimes, but there's nothing like her and her cousin racing outside, or her following dad across the rocks to go get his arrows, or her being able to come in & out of her room to play without my help. Or even just being able to have me say, "Katie, come here." And she CAN! Her occupational therapy sessions now consist of her practicing dressing herself. She can already take her shirt on & off, with minimal help! I know that to some, this seems so small, but for us, it's HUGE! Anything and everything that she does independently is a huge celebration for all of us. Anyway, last night at like 10:30, I was putting the kids to bed. Actually, I put the kids to bed and was laying in bed with Bryan talking as we were getting ready to drift off to sleep. Roman got out of the shower and his light turned off in his room. About 30 seconds went by & Roman screamed, "HOLY COW!!!" I yelled, "What?!" as I was jumping out of bed to see. He said, "Paisley was out of bed." I went in to see what happened and Paisley was just standing in the hallway. I got on to her for being out of bed because she knows better and Bryan got up and was standing behind me. Roman told him, "It was like every scary movie I've ever seen." We burst into laughter and poor Paisley was confused as to why she was getting in trouble one second and mom was crying with laughter the next! What a night!! We were still laughing about it this morning and I'm laughing, thinking about it as I'm typing!
   My point is that our reality is different than what many others see. We have our issues, we have our ups & downs and we are FAR from perfect. We have had an AMAZING summer, even though we haven't really gone anywhere. Even though we've been broke a good portion of it. Even though bad things have happened and continue to happen. Even though we are a bunch of imperfect people thrown together to form a family, that family is coming out on top, stronger than ever before. We've had adventures. We've seen God work wonderful things out of some of our situations. We've bonded in a stronger way than before as we've brought Paisley into the equation. The kids are connected more than they were 2 month ago, Bryan & I are connected more than we were 2 months ago & God is the center of our lives. Even though I make mistakes, big mistakes, I allow myself to receive God's grace & forgiveness. I was keeping myself from doing that before & that was causing me to not be fully committed to our wonderful God! But now, everything is so different and there is hope in what I thought was hopeless situations. I love my life!! I love the people in my life and I feel like a kid on Christmas with what new things are coming my way. I have an excitement in me that I can't even explain, and even though some people or situations may bring me down, it doesn't keep me down! Hoping everyone reading this has a wonderful day & I am off to shop for school clothes. This should make for another day of crazy adventure with my kids :)

Truths

   This is a very personal share for me & one I was a little nervous about doing. But I think that it's something I need to share, just in case it's something that someone else needs to hear. I had an amazing time on my Walk To Emmaus last weekend and made some deep discoveries about myself. With that said, here it goes:
   We find some wonderful truths in God's Word. Truths about friendship, truths about our family, truth about our life's purpose, the list goes on & on. If you have a struggle, God's word has a solution. Last weekend I had an amazing opportunity to discover some wonderful truths about myself. Over the years, I had somehow lost myself in my day to day living. (I'm pretty sure that having kids does that to you!) But it's important to not forget about ourselves completely. I've heard, many times over the years, to "be sure and take care of you", "you can't care for others if you don't take care of yourself", etc. I always nod and agree & go back to the grind. How can I be taking care of myself when there's so many demands on a mom these days? Especially on a mom of a special needs child. Between school, homeschool, sports practice, games, dance lessons, recitals, birthday parties, therapy appointments, doctors appointments, etc, where am I supposed to find time for "me"? Well guess what?? God put it right in front of my face and about hit me over the head with it! It's not about an occasional girls night out or even a yearly retreat. It's about unlocking ourselves & opening ourselves up to what is truly important. The wonderful gifts that God has for us. For me, I was hugely lacking in my spiritual life. I forgot who I was. I forgot how much fun I can be. I forgot how important I am & most importantly, I forgot how loved I am. How did that happen? How did I become so angry & sad without even realizing it? And so insecure? By not studying God's Word. By not making my relationship with Jesus a priority in my life. By not allowing MYSELF to receive God's grace. Nobody ever told me I wasn't allowed to receive everything He has in store for me, nobody ever told me that I wasn't good enough for Him. These are all thoughts that I let the enemy put into my head. And I fell for them!! I believed these things without even realizing the damage I was doing. But luckily for me, I discovered these problems AND the solutions! I have been given a second chance at life. Actually, another "second" chance since God gives us His love & grace as a new gift every single day. And I will fail. I will fall short of His glory, but I will pick myself up & start over. I am so grateful for my experience last week and for the new friendships and bonds with my sisters in Christ. The gift of last weekend gave me a chance to get back to my child-like wonder of such a loving God. A chance to realize that I'm beautiful. I'm fun. I'm loved. I'm cherished. I'm important. I am a work of God. And He doesn't make mistakes!!

My Story

  Hi! My name is Shiloh & I'm a 30-something mother of three. I say 30-something because, half the time, I really can't remember my age! And when I do, I don't want to think about it getting closer & closer to 40-something!! I have been married to Bryan for 17 years and I love that man with my whole heart. We have been through so much in our life together, but by the grace of God, we always manage to come out on top. When we were married so many yeas ago, we really wanted children right away. God had a different plan, even though I didn't know Him at the time. After several years of fertility issues & treatments, 2 miscarriages and a whole lot of heart ache, we had some amazing things begin to happen. We ran into some friends in a restaurant one day and they began to tell us about this little boy from Ukraine that they had met and hosted in their home the previous summer for about 5-weeks. They said he was coming back that summer and bringing his younger brother too. They were wondering if we might be interested in hosting the brother, Roman, who was 6 at the time, for a 5-week dream vacation. We talked about it a little & went on about our day. Bryan & I discussed it further when we got home and over the next few days. We decided to do it & this was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. :)
  Roman came that summer, and it was love at first sight! He was the CUTEST 6-year old boy with blond hair and blue eyes & so much animation, it was hilarious to watch him adjust to life in America. The kid did not speak or understand any English except mama, papa & Coca-Cola. It was an adventure, to say the least. Day 2 of his dream vacation, we told the agency that we wanted to adopt him & we were over the moon happy to finally be welcoming a child into our home. Towards the end of the summer, that joy quickly turned to heartache when Roman had to go back to Ukraine until we could complete the adoption process. We kept in contact with him by telephone once he was back in his home country & it was heartbreaking. He wanted to be with us, we wanted him to be with us & we were losing hope that anything would happen. There was SO much red tape that it felt like it was never going to happen. To me. My husband knew the entire time that everything would work out & we stayed committed to the cause. In the meantime, we decided to get licensed with our local foster care agency to do a foster adopt. More red tape! Nothing that we couldn't handle, but it was still time, energy, paperwork, and faith in God that I was just beginning to discover. Until FINALLY, the call came in. After TWO years, the call finally came in. By now, Bryan & I had been married for 9-years & still didn't have children, but that was all about to change!
   The adoption agency called our friends who were adopting the boys because we were doing a state-side adoption once they came home in order to not have an even longer wait. They got the call and left for Ukraine to bring home OUR son (and his brothers too)!! Three days later, we received another phone call that would change our lives forever. The foster adopt agency had a little girl that we might be interested in meeting. She was 9-months old, had some developmental delays & very behind for her age. They disclosed as much as they could and we said we wanted to meet her. Again, love at first sight! I held her & knew I was holding MY baby! We met her on a Friday, spent a couple of hours with her, and told them we were interested in taking placement of her. It was decided that we could take her for an overnight visit the next night, so we did. She did great & our hearts were soaring! By now, Bryan & I had given our lives to Christ and we were trusting that we were making the choices God wanted us to make. We kept Katie on Saturday night and when we went to take her back to the foster home, the foster mom had already packed Katie's belongings and we were able to take her home with us for good!!! We were thrilled!
   After 5-weeks in Ukraine, our friends were finally coming home with Roman! We met them at the airport and Roman came home with us & we now, very suddenly, had 2 beautiful children!!! Eight year old Roman & 10 month old Katie. Wow! Our lives were soooo different! I remember wondering, MANY times, if I had completely lost my mind! But as with ALL new moms, the joy definitely outweighed the hard times. We finalized adoptions of both Roman & Katie & got many services in place for Katie. Katie was diagnosed with Spastic Quadriplegia Cerebral Palsy when she was 3 years old and although she was thriving, she was still not meeting milestones. She was such a happy baby & she managed to steal the hearts of EVERYONE she came in contact with. She received her first wheelchair at 4 years old & we just take life one day at a time. Last summer, things began to drastically change again.
   After seven years, we decided it was time to add to our family, yet again. We contacted the foster agency, renewed our license and were put back on the list. Our kids were so happy to be getting a new brother or sister! Finally, they called! They had a 5 year old little boy & a 7-month old little girl. We were so excited!!! We met the kids & brought them home that same day, and we suddenly had a family of four kids! But again, God had a different plan. The two beautiful children that we thought were going to be permanently in our home had to leave us to go with a family member. We were heartbroken. More loss, more heartache. I was ready to give up on adding to our family again. The following week, Bryan ended up in the hospital with pancreatitis & had to have emergency gallbladder surgery. I sat at the side of his hospital bed while the kids were at school and I cried my eyes out over our children who had been removed from our home. Again, because of his encouragement, his strength  & his faith, he encouraged me to call the county about a 2 year old little girl that we had heard about, so I did. I spoke with the social worker and she put me in contact with the girls foster mom. We spoke a lot over the course of the week & exchanged pictures. Together, we decided that we would rather take placement right away instead of doing a back & forth so that we didn't confuse her. My husband got out of the hospital on Thursday, the other family brought Paisley to us on Friday. Katie stayed home from school to meet her new sister & it was a whirlwind! But, again, WOW! God sure knows what He's doing and it all seems to work out when we follow His plan. We welcomed Paisley into our home in September & we finalized her adoption in May. She is a treasure, just like her brother & sister. It took some time to adjust & we had so many other things going on, but my heart is full.
   Katie had a major hip operation in October and stayed in the hospital for 6 days and came home in a body cast. Paisley had to feel so left out because of all the care that Katie was requiring, but she never showed it! As soon as she was able to, she would snuggle up by Katie every chance she got! We went to Disneyland in January and the following week, Bryan lost his job. Seriously. My world was rocked, but I knew that we would, once again, come out on top. Katie had another major operation the following week, on the other hip, but it was much less invasive and there was no body cast. It was only a 3 day stay in the hospital & by then, everyone was adjusting very well. Bryan was already in the hiring process for his new job, our kids were happy & we were learning to take life one day at a time. And we were learning to lean on God, not ourselves. Even though we have our ups & downs, we find humor in our everyday life, we find joy in our mundane activities and we find love in the most unexpected places. So with that being said, we are once again, on the list for another child. Our hearts are ready & we are trusting that God knows what He is doing :)