Challenges

   Some days, I just want to throw in the towel. I want to quit home schooling, I want to quit being a stay at home mom and I even want to quit being a wife. I just want to sleep in all day & not feel like I'm constantly yelling at everyone or constantly being rushed everywhere I go. My frustration level with trying to get everything done is through the roof. Katie is such an amazing child and such an inspiration to everyone who knows her, but she can be such a challenge at times! She is absolutely the most stubborn child I have ever met. So many kids with special needs have behavior problems as well as their physical limitations and, from some of the things I've seen, those behaviors are there because they are allowed to be. In my experiences with Katie, I find that most people will let her get away with ANYTHING! There are very few people in her life that will push her, challenge her, and make her do things whether she wants to or not. Myself being one of them, one of her old speech therapists, her physical therapists, her occupational therapists and a few of her teachers. That's about it. Not even her dad! No matter the circumstance, no matter her behavior, no matter what she is supposed to be doing, only a handful of people hold her accountable for her actions. Is that real life? Absolutely not. She can't continue to live in a little bubble forever. As ideal as that would be, it's not fair to her, it's not fair to her siblings and it's not fair to those of us who are willing to push her. Somehow, I always end up looking like the bad guy, which, as a mom, I'm used to, but that doesn't make it any more fun.
   I have had such a challenge engaging Katie's mind since school started. Apparently, our summer was so much fun that she just wants it to continue! (Yay for fun summers!!) Every single day of school so far, she has had a crying fit, she has refused to do one thing or another & she has been completely distracted by Paisley. And I end up losing my temper or spending half the day figuring out a new way to teach her that will get her focused. Things that she used to know so well seem completely lost to her now, so review is turning into what I'm seeing as a backslide. And it's things that she HAS to know before she can learn something new. I feel like a failure. I feel like I'm failing as her mom and as her teacher. I KNOW she's capable & I know she wants to, but she has so much fear about being "wrong" that she's afraid to put herself out there. She thinks that if she puts minimal effort into something that someone will bail her out. Even with spelling words, she won't just try to spell the word. She looks for confirmation that she's correct before proceeding. Last night at church, she wouldn't answer any questions she was being asked without looking to me for confirmation. Some days it's worse than others and today was one of the worse ones. I often wonder if this is as far as she's going to go. If her mind is just going to stop developing or if she's just being stubborn. I don't have the answers, but I don't think this is it. At these times, I need to remind myself of how the past year went. How crazy it was and how much Katie has been through. I don't want her going back to public school being so behind and I don't want learning at home to be so stressful. I finally have things working out at home with Roman having started his independent studies school, with a plan to be graduating by the time he's done with his junior year. Plus, he's at home to help me out with the girls. I am hoping that Katie will be more cooperative having Roman at home doing his schoolwork too, but so far, it's been about the same.
   Maybe I wouldn't feel like such a failure if I felt like I had any control at all. But even Paisley insists on ALWAYS being the center of attention. Good attention or bad attention, it doesn't matter to her. When I am finally able to get Katie doing something, along comes Paisley and blows it out of the water. It is a battle I feel like my 3-year old is winning!! I've considered sending her to grandmas during the day, just so Katie & I can stay focused, but then I realize that's not the answer. As ideal as it sounds, that isn't teaching Paisley anything. Having three kids is certainly a challenge. They all need to learn to behave. They all need to learn in general. There's rules and consequences in all things & even children as young as Paisley need to learn to practice self-control. From Paisley, all the way to Roman, they all need to learn.  Some days I feel like I'm not teaching anybody anything, but I need to remember that I am. Always! Even when it's things I don't want them to learn, their eyes are ALWAYS watching. It's my responsibility to teach them LIFE! How to live and walk with God. When I lose my temper with them or am being rushed or have no patience, they see real life come through, but they're not seeing grace during those ugly life moments.
   The other day, I was soooo overwhelmed with emotion, with stress, with being rushed, just with the busy life we've created. I was compelled to just stop, breathe & PRAY! I asked God to give me the strength I needed to get through the moment, to help me keep my composure while trying to search for everything before I could walk out the door, to give me the patience that I needed in that moment to be a good mom and to thank Him for my kids that were driving me crazy at that very moment. And you know what? I was gracefully given everything I needed. God didn't get angry with me, He didn't withhold His grace, He didn't yell at me for being impatient. He just gave me the peace I needed. I realized it immediately & realized that I needed to ask Him for help way more often. When I do that, I become the person He wants me to be and I am a person that I like! But alas, I usually find myself turning to God as a last resort instead of trusting Him to handle it to begin with. (Shame on me, I know, but I'm just keeping it real!)
   As I sit and ponder, which I do often, I think about what we can eliminate to make our lives easier. I feel like I rush around way more than I should, but I don't even know what is available to cast away. Between doctors appointments, therapy appointments, school schedules, and church activities, there's not much time left for anything else. By the time the weekend hits, I don't usually want to do ANYTHING. Add to that, dance classes (which aren't necessary, but the girls LOVE it), other family obligations, such as birthday parties and Bryan on a sometimes crazy work schedule, I need a little downtime. So when it comes to friends or family wanting to make plans or get together, please forgive me when I often say no or cancel plans. At this stage in my life, I am completely worn out and struggling to keep it all in balance. And although I love my husband dearly and I appreciate him so much for giving me the life we have and enabling me to stay home with the kids, I wish he could be here more often. Since we've been home from vacation, he's only had a few days off. And he works 12 hour shifts, which is usually more like 13-14 hours. Some days, some nights. Nights result in him sleeping during the day and days result in him going to bed super early.So I end up doing so much of this, if not all of it, by myself. The house suffers. It's NEVER "clean" anymore and by most peoples standards, it's downright messy most of the time. I don't think I've been caught up on laundry since we've been home & I already feel overwhelmed with the school year and it just started! Maybe homeschooling isn't the solution in some minds, but I really feel like it is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I feel like it's what is best for the kids, even if that's just at this time. And maybe we haven't been learning in  the "traditional" sense, but we've been learning a lot about life over the last few weeks. We've been learning about God, which is the most important. We've been learning about technology, with Katie's communication device. And Katie has even been learning how to use my laptop for some of the online apps for school. And we've been given some time to be a family that we didn't have before. So overall, this opportunity has definitely been a blessing. And sometimes, writing it down helps ME to see it as such! So bring on the challenges. Bring on the hard work & more than that, bring on the desire to learn & the desire to teach. I am ready for tomorrow ;) I'm sure I'll complain again & again & again before it's all said & done, but just remember that I'm always a work in progress. I love my husband & my kids more than anything and I will do my best to love & cherish them the way they deserve. And I will never stop pushing them and challenging them.