Anger & Marriage

   So who gets in a HUGE fight with their spouse, on the way to church, when the message being given is about building stronger marriages? That'd be ME!! And I managed to make my husband so angry that he turned around and drove home, leaving me to go by myself with our two daughters. I pulled back out of the driveway and ALMOST didn't go, since I was on the verge of tears & didn't feel much like worshipping OR hearing about how marriage SHOULD be when my own wasn't going so great. Plus, I was late and I wasn't feeling it. I desperately wanted both of us there to hear these great messages together. Something inside of me, in spite of all the factors telling me not to go, there was a voice telling me that now was when I needed to go the most. So I quit yelling, I quit fighting, I sucked it up & went to church. I sang my praises, I finished our argument via text message while I was listening to the pastor give the sermon, although, the finish of the argument was probably much softer with me sitting in a church pew than it would have been if I would have stayed home, so that was a good thing. I was feeling cynical, angry, hurt, all of these things that weren't positive, uplifting or nice, but because of the nature of the sermon and the truths found in God's word, I was going to let it go & not ruin the entire day with a dumb fight. (Especially since I can't even remember what the fight was over! All I remember is that I was in a crummy mood and my husband was antagonizing me)
  So I put on my happy face, exchanged pleasantries with my friends & pretended all was fine. Which was one of the things that was cutting me deep. Bryan told me that I was different at church than I am at home with him. I don't want to be different at home than at church! But we're all guilty of that, aren't we? For whatever reason, we always seem to hurt the ones we love the most. We, or at least I do, always put my best foot (or at least my better foot) forward when I'm at church. When I'm at home, I yell more, I swear, I say & do things that I would never do at church! Not because it's forbidden, but because it's just not how I want people to see me. So why do I let this other person come out with my husband and kids? Why do I let it bother me so much that he's never read even one of my blog posts? Why can't I ask him nicely to help with the kids or cook dinner or do a load of laundry? Why must I always be such a nag? Why do I get so angry when I know he's just trying to push my buttons? Why do I have such a hard time taking care of him when he's not feeling well? Why do I listen to sermons on building better marriages and see so many things wrong with our relationship? I'm pretty sure its because the enemy is constantly on attack and he wants us to fail. God doesn't. God knows we are all imperfect and full of sin. He knows the real me. (He knows ALL of the real me's!) I am determined to be a different person, a better version of me, always! I don't feel that I've been living up to my full potential & I want more for my husband and kids. Our pastor made a perfect point on Sunday when he said that we need to put our spouses needs ahead of our own. I've known this, always, but I never feel like Bryan puts my needs ahead of his. Guys need reminded more than women! (I'm totally kidding, of course!) But seriously, this isn't about me! Being a wife, being a mom, being a child of God...none of this should be about ME. You know that whole "love is not self-seeking" verse in the bible? Yeah. That one! How about "love keeps no record of wrongs." Or how about the fact that "it isn't easily angered?" I've got some of that verse down at least. I DO trust my husband, I protect my family with everything I have & we always manage to persevere. But when I look at that, I see so many things I'm doing wrong! I need to lighten up & enjoy my marriage & enjoy my kids. I know that Bryan isn't always the most thoughtful and he gets pretty lazy about our relationship, but instead of just giving up and giving in to the arguments, why not change myself? Why don't I put more effort in and make sure we make the time to spend some time alone together? Why don't I initiate the conversation or just tell him, point blank, EXACTLY what I want from him? (Believe it or not, guys are completely clueless sometimes & they don't always get subtlety!) It doesn't have to be some grand gesture (although that would be nice), but just little things. I think that, although our marriage is good & strong and we love each other more than anything, there is a lot of improvement to be made. It can be better. Heck, it can be GREAT! And if my husband gets too wrapped up in life to make the first move at improving it, I can certainly do that! I can change my attitude and my reactions to disagreements and I can respond with love. With a 1 Corinthians kind of love! I've seen it happen. I know God can heal those places in our marriage where we're hurting and he can nurture us back to the place He wants us to be.
    I give it to you Lord! Please guide my every step, my every word, my every thought. Everything about me, make it about You! I want my focus to be on You first, my husband second & I want You to change MY heart. Help me to offer the unconditional love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I need to GIVE that kind of love before I can receive it. Please Lord, forgive me for the anger, the impatience, the unkind words and thoughts. And also Lord, help me to not be so hard on myself. I know You created me and I need to accept that I'm really not so bad ;)  And thank you Lord. For this blessed life you've given me! Amen!


And here's a Paisley-ism, just for fun: I put on her pajamas tonight, her favorite "purple jammies" and she said, "mom! They're turning into Capri-sun pants!" (they were a little short)