Trusting God

   My week this week has been MUCH better than last week! I ended last week in a crying heap in my husbands lap because things just weren't going the way I wanted them to or expected them to. We hadn't been getting along for a while, I had been juggling all three kids and their crazy schedules completely on my own, Katie wasn't being very cooperative with her homeschooling, I've been waiting for Roman's homeschool program to call  me, I didn't have anyone to lean on because Bryan has been going through his own ordeal & Paisley had been a complete and total BRAT! She was defiant, she was fighting for my attention & it didn't matter if it was good or bad. I was in a pretty foul mood by the end of each day because my patience was being tested to the very end of each & every day. On Friday, Bryan came home from work and I started to complain about my day & he told me he didn't want to hear it. I was in tears and tired and just done. Finally, he asked me if I needed a hug and when I sat down on his lap to get a hug, the tears of defeat came without me having any control. His reaction wasn't what me or anyone else would want, but we were finally able to laugh it off.
   The bible tells us lots and lots of things about stress, about anger, frustration. God knew, when He sent Jesus to die for us, that we would face all of these problems in our lives. He also knew that the enemy would work overtime if he knows that we're getting closer to God. But let's be honest, when we're in the midst of a trial, or many at one time, it's REALLY hard (sometimes) to turn to God during those times. We, or at least I, always think that it's too minor or it's MY fault, why would God want to help me with it? And when I'm super busy on top of everything else, it's hard to find the time to open my bible and find what I need to find. But I'm learning that it's the only way I can do it!! Why has it taken me so long to figure this out? Because I was content being a "Sunday morning" Christian. I believed in God, I trusted God and I knew He was working in my life, but I was trying to take control of my life and striving for MY happiness. I was going to church on Sunday's, listening to the sermons, helping out with church projects whenever I could & striving to live my life for God, but I rarely read or studied my bible. I was always talking to God in my head, but I wasn't living for God out loud. Now, I realize that my trials are no different than what other's face. We all have issues. We all lose our faith at times & we all forget to trust God with our WHOLE life. We only want to let him in certain parts of our lives, but that doesn't work!! He knows EVERYTHING about us! He created us and He loves us. If you doubt this, I encourage you to read Psalm 139, written by David about not being able to hide from God. He knows the hairs on our heads, our thoughts, good AND bad & He is with us...whether we want Him there or not! Even in the midst of our trials. Small or large, He's there!
   I get frustrated with Katie at times. I know she has Cerebral Palsy, but that doesn't mean she's  not smart. Her body works differently than mine, her brain probably does too. But I find that when I'm not pushing her, she just wants to be lazy. She wants to be able to run around like her 3 year old sister and play all day long, instead of taking time for her school work. Homeschooling is tough. But I feel like other people don't have the same expectations for her that I have. And nobody knows that child the way I know her! She is stubborn as a mule and when she doesn't want to do something, she refuses to do it. If she were going to public school, she would probably not be quite as stubborn, but she might! And she would be able to get away with it because she has a way of wrapping people around her little finger without even trying. She also wouldn't have the heart for God that I'm able to help her realize at home. Besides her stubborn streak, once she opens up, there is no greater joy than watching her learn! It's sometimes just a matter of finding what works for her. Every child learns in different ways and I think by homeschooling her, she is able to reach her full potential. She is having the hardest time getting back into a routine though! Plus, she is so much more independent, that she has much more sass than she had before. I was feeling cheated the other day because I have this amazing little girl in my care that isn't physically able to do things for herself. She isn't able to keep her focus as long as other kids her age, she doesn't have the confidence to try new things very often. She won't answer a question unless she knows she has the right answer. How do you help her get past all of that? I have no idea. But I'm figuring it out and learning as I go. I try new & different things ALL the time and see what I can come up with. And sometimes, it feels like I'm losing more ground than what I'm gaining. But that's ok! Once we get through some of the basics, a whole new world will open up for her. And once she understands concepts, her confidence level increases. I saw some verses on disability the other day and the one I loved the most was 2 Corinthians 7-10. ...
Therefore, in order to keep me from becoming conceited, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger of Satan to torment me. Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties,. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
   After reading this, it helped bring everything back into perspective for me. God is going to do amazing things in Katie's life! Where she is weak, He is strong. God is going to continue to do amazing things in my life. Where I am weak, He is strong. In the lives of Roman & Paisley. Where they are weak, He is strong. In Bryan's life. Where he is weak, God is strong. We can rejoice in our weaknesses, in our trials, in all of the difficult moments in our lives. We can ALWAYS know that God is strong during those times. He's strong for US!! He made us & He doesn't make mistakes :) After reading this scripture and figuring out what it meant for Katie, physically, then I heard it again in church on Sunday & I put it into perspective for my own life as well. I continue to be amazed at how God puts things in our lives, such as a certain scripture that I ponder during the week, to hear it come up at church on Sunday. And then be able to use it to comfort someone else in an unrelated situation. It's just another reminder that He is with us, at our weakest moments and at our strongest. I am so thankful for the life I have been blessed with. I will continue to make mistakes, I will continue to doubt His presence at times, I will lose patience, I will lack in self-control & I will not show love in the ways that I should & I'm sure that I will be quick to anger. But, through the blood of Jesus Christ, I am forgiven! My sins are washed away & God's grace is new every day. I am striving to become the woman He intends for me to be & sometimes I just need perspective. Just like Katie. I forget things too. I want to put blinders on & be lazy, but that's not going to get me anywhere. My focus needs to be on God & God alone. Everything else will fall into place the way that it should. Just trust that God knows EXACTLY what He's doing :)