So here's my early Mothers Day confession. Motherhood overwhelms the crap out of me! I can't possibly be alone in this, but it sure feels like it at times. I really want to cherish all the little moments, I want to be able to enjoy them while they're little, but in reality, I often feel like I'm losing my mind! I love them, but I would give anything to have a weekend off & a little bit of time to myself. As much as I love my husband, I feel like he's a huge part of the problem at times. He works way too much & I'm left feeling like I'm single-handedly screwing up our kids AND my marriage. Not to mention, I sometimes feel like he's a 5th child! (And I can say all of this because he has NEVER read my blog & probably never will!) He doesn't manage his time very well & I'm a scheduler. You kinda have to be when you have 4 kids & especially when one of them has cerebral palsy. It's what I do with most of my time. Schedule dr's visits, schedule therapy sessions, schedule our homeschool day, schedule family time around work schedules, make sure all kids get to their activities that are already scheduled, and usually helping to manage the hubby's schedule too. He probably doesn't see it the same way, but he's wrong. ;) so when he gets ready to go to work & he tells me what I need to do or expects me to run errands for him or just shows no respect for what my day does or doesn't consist of, I seriously want to punch him. Hard. In the face. I can tell him all these ways that he drives me crazy with his goals of wanting to get this or that done, but he doesn't see that I just can't give any more of myself. I mean, technically, I guess I can, but I just feel spread so thin. I'm exhausted. And I stay up super late almost every night watching tv because that is the only time that I have to myself and the only time my house is quiet. Probably not the best idea, espcially when I feel so tired, but I just can't help it!
I made the choice to homeschool the kids for many, many reasons. For one, I always wanted to, but I was too afraid when the kids started school so I put them in public school. Secondly, when Katie had her surgeries and missed so much school, I realized how far she was falling behind & I never wanted her to feel like she has to keep up with anyone else. Thirdly, with Bryan's works schedule, it's been really nice to be able to put the kids on our schedule rather than schools schedule. The list can go on & on. I know that homeschooling adds to my being tired & feeling overwhelmed, that if I put my kids in school that I could get "a break", but that's not the same thing. In school, there's school all day long, helping in the classroom (because that's just who I am), homework all night, squeezing in all those dr's appts, therapy appts, extracurricular activities, and trying to find some family time. We decided that family time is one of the most important things to us. We value God & His design for our lives & the lives of our children, so we're showing that dedication by choosing to homeschool. How much of that are they going to get in a public school setting? I want our children to know that they are loved, to know that we want to be with them. We worked really hard to start our family & to add to it. I never want to forget that these children are a gift. I may not always appreciate them, I definitely fail them on a regular basis & I get overwhelmed with mommy duties much of the time, but I do love them. I cherish them & I want them to become God loving adults who raise their children in a manner that brings glory to God. And I want their upbringing to be rooted in faith & Christian values.
So there are some ways that I can change things to feel less overwhelmed, but would that really work? If I put the kids in public school, it would be something else that makes me feel that way, I've already been down that road. And it's not the kids' fault that they drive me bonkers sometimes...it's because I'm an adult & they're children. It's what they're supposed to do. I feel like I need a support group of Christian, stay at home, homeschooling mothers of adopted & special needs children who are married to law enforcement officers. Do you think one exists in our tiny little area of the world? I know every mom struggles. Every mom feels like a failure. Every mom strives to do better. Add to that, trying to deal with the emotions of adopted children, children with special needs & the siblings of those special kids. There are many behaviors that Paisley portrays that I try to correct in her & I'm told it's "normal" behavior from moms with "normal" kids. It's not "normal" coming from a kid who has lived in 5 different homes in 4 years. Maybe one of those behaviors is normal, but not the many of them combined together to just be a constant battle. Katie shouldn't have to try to be "normal" in order to fit in with other kids. She needs to be herself & not be treated as a novelty. Roman has only been with us a short amount of time compared to his age & I know it's a struggle for him to feel fully connected to us. It's really difficult raising other people's children. Especially for the first couple of years. They're struggling to know that they belong, they're struggling to understand what has changed & happened to them & we're struggling to find everyone's "fit". Struggling to make it work & keep everyone feeling loved & needed without completely losing ourselves. It's exhausting to have to constantly reassure Paisley that when we did things before she was born that she wasn't just with another mom, but that she wasn't even born yet. And to make Levi understand that this is it, he doesn't have to leave ever again, even though we were so uncertain for so long.
So even though I often have these feelings of just being overwhelmed, I usually feel better when I have a chance to get away from it all. I think I'm in need of a little get away with the hubby, but when he's working like 21 shifts straight (12 hour night shifts), then it's kind of hard to find the time to get away. And then there's the guilt. I always feel guilty leaving the kids behind! But I'm determined to have a different attitude about it. My marriage needs some work & it's not easy to give it the attention it deserves when my focus has to be 4 kids all the time. I want to set an example for my kids that shows their dad & I taking time to work on "us". Because when they grow up, I don't want them to feel guilty for leaving their kids behind for a weekend or for a date night. I want them to build strong marriages & above all, I want them to enjoy the gift of marriage that God gives them. None of this is ever easy! It's messy, it's complicated, it's hard! Really hard! But it's so worth it! And in the end, I truly love homeschooling! (The highlight of this week was getting new curriculum in the mail) I LOVE my husband, even though he drives me crazy & I want to strangle him for working so much. I love all 4 of theses amazing kids that God entrusted to me & it's a thrill to teach them about Jesus & watch them learn & grow. But for now, I'm overwhelmed, exhausted & trying to remember to enjoy every moment! So to all you moms who may be reading, you're not alone! Have a beautiful Mother's Day & take some time for yourself :) To anyone reading who is not a mom, here's some insight into how moms feel. Take some time to spoil your mom tomorrow. If your mom isn't with you anymore, pick a mom to show some extra love to. Let her know that she's appreciated & understood. It'll go a long way to make her day a little brighter :)
Saturday, May 9, 2015
Wednesday, April 15, 2015
April Happenings
So 2 weeks ago was April Fools Day. I don't get that into April Fools but I did teach the kids how to prank a few people. The kids played a couple of little jokes on me & their daddy, but the best one just carried over into today and bit me in the bottom! Roman, my 16-year old high school sophomore, goes to a Charter High School where he works on independent studies at home. He goes to actual school one day a week & turns in work and takes tests. On April Fools Day, I told him to tell his teacher that he was dropping out of high school completely & that if he decides to continue with school, he'll be going back to regular school. His teacher is a pretty fun guy with an outgoing personality and I knew he would get a kick out of the prank! He panicked and was telling Roman that he couldn't quit mid semester, etc. Anyway, Roman came clean & told him it was an April Fools joke & his teacher replied by telling Roman that he was going to get even and fail him! Lol! We had a good laugh and I had forgotten alllll about it!
Now for this week! Somehow, during the course of our day yesterday, Roman & I made a $5 bet on his grades for the week. He bet me that he could get 100% on both of his tests and I told him game on, but he didn't even have to get 100%, just A's would work. But I wanted proof before I forked out 5 bucks, so he had to bring me a signed paper from his teacher! He called around 11 and said he was ready to be picked up, so I asked him how he did. He told me I had to wait until he got home & I had no idea, even though I was rooting for A's! Bryan picked him up & when they finally came in, Roman handed me a paper, signed by his teacher that said he got 98% on both tests today. I was really proud, handed Roman his 5 bucks & when I went to give him a high five, he said, April Fools! From Mr. Ezelle!!! I was like, what?!?! So you really didn't get A's? He said no...he got 2 B's & his teacher said to tell me April Fools and that, "now we're even". LOL! I was cracking up & every time I think about it, it makes me chuckle! I love that his teacher remembered and that he has such a great sense of humor.
Other than crazy April Fools jokes, a busy and super fun Easter, April has been relatively mild so far! We are currently waiting for a final decision regarding little Levi, but if all of that gets out of the way, we will be able to move forward with finalization and have our family complete by summer! We are praying for confirmation of what we already know to be true today! We love him so much and I cannot even begin to imagine him not being with us. I recovered from surgery very well & feel much better, although I still get pretty moody at times. As far as being a mom of four goes, it's amazing! It might be more work, more stress, more money, more messes & less sleep, but it's also more hugs, more kisses, more I love you's, more rewards, more blessings, more learning, more growing, and so much more than I could have ever thought possible! And even though I don't even pretend to have it all figured out, maybe if I tell myself I do, I'll start to believe it eventually ;) Happy April everyone!! And please, continue to pray for some crazy weather changes! This valley desperately needs water!!
Now for this week! Somehow, during the course of our day yesterday, Roman & I made a $5 bet on his grades for the week. He bet me that he could get 100% on both of his tests and I told him game on, but he didn't even have to get 100%, just A's would work. But I wanted proof before I forked out 5 bucks, so he had to bring me a signed paper from his teacher! He called around 11 and said he was ready to be picked up, so I asked him how he did. He told me I had to wait until he got home & I had no idea, even though I was rooting for A's! Bryan picked him up & when they finally came in, Roman handed me a paper, signed by his teacher that said he got 98% on both tests today. I was really proud, handed Roman his 5 bucks & when I went to give him a high five, he said, April Fools! From Mr. Ezelle!!! I was like, what?!?! So you really didn't get A's? He said no...he got 2 B's & his teacher said to tell me April Fools and that, "now we're even". LOL! I was cracking up & every time I think about it, it makes me chuckle! I love that his teacher remembered and that he has such a great sense of humor.
Other than crazy April Fools jokes, a busy and super fun Easter, April has been relatively mild so far! We are currently waiting for a final decision regarding little Levi, but if all of that gets out of the way, we will be able to move forward with finalization and have our family complete by summer! We are praying for confirmation of what we already know to be true today! We love him so much and I cannot even begin to imagine him not being with us. I recovered from surgery very well & feel much better, although I still get pretty moody at times. As far as being a mom of four goes, it's amazing! It might be more work, more stress, more money, more messes & less sleep, but it's also more hugs, more kisses, more I love you's, more rewards, more blessings, more learning, more growing, and so much more than I could have ever thought possible! And even though I don't even pretend to have it all figured out, maybe if I tell myself I do, I'll start to believe it eventually ;) Happy April everyone!! And please, continue to pray for some crazy weather changes! This valley desperately needs water!!
Monday, March 2, 2015
Catch up!
It has certainly been a crazy couple of months and a long while since I've blogged. So I'm going to catch everyone up on our happenings :) My last post was dedicated to my beautiful grandma who is now in heaven and I'm still having a difficult time dealing with her loss. Sometimes, I feel like I'm so strong & can handle all of this, but then I get knocked back down. Since my grandma's death, a close friend lost her grandmother, a local law enforcement officer was murdered by his ex-wife, the girls' dance teacher lost her 11-year old son to a tragic motorcycle accident & another very close friend lost her mother. That's not even mentioning the close friends and family members who have been battling sickness or loss that is just too many to mention. I had a rough month or so after grandma passed and then I was doing much better and then my friends moms funeral was last week. They played Elvis Presley's version of Amazing Grace and that just so happened to have been played at grandmas funeral and I just lost it. I'm so thankful for such a strong, loving, loyal, faithful husband who just doesn't even question it and just wraps me in his arms & lets me have my meltdown. He's had to do that A LOT lately, which feels like it's so unlike me! And then my goofy kids say or do something crazy and it just makes my world a better place. Ok, ok! Enough of the mushy stuff! The truth is, my kids have been driving me CRAZY the last couple of days and sometimes, I just want to strangle them!! They have been loud, obnoxious little boogers who scream, yell, fight & pretty much completely ignore anything and everything I say. I hope it's just a phase, but I don't think so. I think it's just a phase called parenthood! LOL!!
Now part of the reason I've been having such a hard time this past week is because I am having surgery tomorrow. I am having a hysterectomy, spending time in the hospital and dealing with a long recovery. It kind of sucks! When the decision was made, I was ok with it because I am going to be relieved of issues I've been having since I was 15 years old, but there was this other part that took over. I have been so emotional over this that it's ridiculous! There was a teeny, tiny, very small part of me that has held out hope for all of these years that I would find myself pregnant and get to live out the miracle of child birth. But in reality, I don't want that at all! Not at 37 years old. I wanted it badly for many years, but I am very content with my life, even if it sounds like I'm on a bit of a pity party at the moment. I'm just going to walk you through all of these crazy emotions I've had, just in the last week. I didn't want to tell everyone and make a big deal out of it, but it turns out, it's kind of a big deal and I appreciate the love & support. So once I moved passed the loss of fertility, for good, I moved onto just being scared. I've always been a pretty tough cookie, but I really don't want to be in pain! I'm finding that now that I'm older, I just don't want to do it!! I discovered that I'm just a big baby! But I'm going to do it and it'll be done & over with before I know it. Next up is the hospital itself. I was almost in tears driving there today because it's the first time I've been there since my grandma passed away. And to top it off, I will most likely be on the third floor for my stay. I couldn't even remember the room number, but I just knew I didn't want to wake up in there. So I asked my mom & then I requested that I not be put in the room that holds so many precious memories for me. So the bottom line is that this entire journey has my emotions on such a roller coaster ride! So now I'm just ready to get in, get out & begin my recovery so I can go back to a normal & happier, healthier life.
In the midst of all this, we did find some time to take a little mini vacation & that was awesome. We were going to hold off, but figured we better go now in case it's a while before I can handle a long car ride. We spent 4 days camping at a gun range. The kids got to learn some gun safety & become a little more comfortable around guns. They played all during their days, to the point of actually begging me to send them to bed! I love when they're so worn out that they beg to go to sleep! Lol! After we came home from camping, we left the next day & headed to the beach for a couple of days. It was glorious! We only spent one night there, so I would really love to plan to go back soon. Two days just isn't enough. I was reminded of how much I LOVE the beach. Just about any beach, anywhere! Sand under my feet, the cold salt air, the sunshine, the laid back feeling of beach living...I just love it! I really needed the trip, more than I realized and I felt so rejuvenated after coming home. It was such a blessing. I wish I could just go spend all of my recovery on a beach somewhere! THAT would make me happy :)
To add a little more chaos, Levi's case has been continued a few times and is set to hear Wednesday. Yes. That's right. Right in the middle of my hospital stay. Right after I have surgery. And hopefully we'll finally know that he gets to stay with us forever. He is such a wonderful little man & he has already brought us soooo much joy! We are anticipating that he will get to stay with us, but we do know that there is risk. Prayers for all of our craziness to work it's way out are much appreciated :) As far as the rest of "life" goes, we are adjusting very well to having 4 kids. It's noisy, wild, crazy & so much fun! I didn't think I would love it as much as I do. But it's been really awesome and super easy to adjust. Levi is a perfect fit for our family and we are praying God's will over the situation. We know that God always works it out and it doesn't always go how WE want it or think it should (like my infertility struggles and never bearing a child, which led us to adopt all of our beautiful kids!), but His way is always better than what we imagined. At least, that's been my experience. :) I pray this finds all of you well and that you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this crazy world. I'm right there with you :)
Now part of the reason I've been having such a hard time this past week is because I am having surgery tomorrow. I am having a hysterectomy, spending time in the hospital and dealing with a long recovery. It kind of sucks! When the decision was made, I was ok with it because I am going to be relieved of issues I've been having since I was 15 years old, but there was this other part that took over. I have been so emotional over this that it's ridiculous! There was a teeny, tiny, very small part of me that has held out hope for all of these years that I would find myself pregnant and get to live out the miracle of child birth. But in reality, I don't want that at all! Not at 37 years old. I wanted it badly for many years, but I am very content with my life, even if it sounds like I'm on a bit of a pity party at the moment. I'm just going to walk you through all of these crazy emotions I've had, just in the last week. I didn't want to tell everyone and make a big deal out of it, but it turns out, it's kind of a big deal and I appreciate the love & support. So once I moved passed the loss of fertility, for good, I moved onto just being scared. I've always been a pretty tough cookie, but I really don't want to be in pain! I'm finding that now that I'm older, I just don't want to do it!! I discovered that I'm just a big baby! But I'm going to do it and it'll be done & over with before I know it. Next up is the hospital itself. I was almost in tears driving there today because it's the first time I've been there since my grandma passed away. And to top it off, I will most likely be on the third floor for my stay. I couldn't even remember the room number, but I just knew I didn't want to wake up in there. So I asked my mom & then I requested that I not be put in the room that holds so many precious memories for me. So the bottom line is that this entire journey has my emotions on such a roller coaster ride! So now I'm just ready to get in, get out & begin my recovery so I can go back to a normal & happier, healthier life.
In the midst of all this, we did find some time to take a little mini vacation & that was awesome. We were going to hold off, but figured we better go now in case it's a while before I can handle a long car ride. We spent 4 days camping at a gun range. The kids got to learn some gun safety & become a little more comfortable around guns. They played all during their days, to the point of actually begging me to send them to bed! I love when they're so worn out that they beg to go to sleep! Lol! After we came home from camping, we left the next day & headed to the beach for a couple of days. It was glorious! We only spent one night there, so I would really love to plan to go back soon. Two days just isn't enough. I was reminded of how much I LOVE the beach. Just about any beach, anywhere! Sand under my feet, the cold salt air, the sunshine, the laid back feeling of beach living...I just love it! I really needed the trip, more than I realized and I felt so rejuvenated after coming home. It was such a blessing. I wish I could just go spend all of my recovery on a beach somewhere! THAT would make me happy :)
To add a little more chaos, Levi's case has been continued a few times and is set to hear Wednesday. Yes. That's right. Right in the middle of my hospital stay. Right after I have surgery. And hopefully we'll finally know that he gets to stay with us forever. He is such a wonderful little man & he has already brought us soooo much joy! We are anticipating that he will get to stay with us, but we do know that there is risk. Prayers for all of our craziness to work it's way out are much appreciated :) As far as the rest of "life" goes, we are adjusting very well to having 4 kids. It's noisy, wild, crazy & so much fun! I didn't think I would love it as much as I do. But it's been really awesome and super easy to adjust. Levi is a perfect fit for our family and we are praying God's will over the situation. We know that God always works it out and it doesn't always go how WE want it or think it should (like my infertility struggles and never bearing a child, which led us to adopt all of our beautiful kids!), but His way is always better than what we imagined. At least, that's been my experience. :) I pray this finds all of you well and that you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this crazy world. I'm right there with you :)
Sunday, January 11, 2015
Grandma
The past several days have been an emotional roller coaster for me, and there's still more to come. My beloved grandma fell ill a few days after Christmas and she gained her wings January 8th. I have great hope that she is now pain free and rejoicing in heaven with Jesus, but the ache I feel in my heart not having her here with me is sometimes too much to even bear. It does ease the pain knowing that God calls us all home and she is in a place I can only imagine, but it is still so hard at times. I have awaken every morning for the past 3 or 4 days and as soon as my eyes open, a memory of my grandma comes to mind, and it's followed by the sting of tears. Knowing that I won't hear her voice again, I won't talk to her on the phone, I won't smell her perfume, have another hug from her or another conversation with her just hurts so deeply! But I can promise you this. I am absolutely blessed beyond belief with a family that is there through thick & thin. We have been together for the past week at the hospital and we have been together almost every waking moment since her passing. She leaves behind a family of strong, loving, caring, supportive wonderful people & I have never, in my whole life, doubted that she loved me and was proud of me.
My grandma Pauline was married to my grandpa for 59 years. How amazing is that? She was in a rehabilitation facility for the past 4 years because she had some health issues and some dementia. At first, she would come home for the holidays and was coming home here & there, but then it stopped for a while. This past year, over the summer, we finally just started going to her. We celebrated her birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, grandma & grandpas anniversary, and also some times of visiting with out of town family. She came home to my moms (her daughter) house for Thanksgiving and Christmas just a few short weeks ago & I am so grateful for this past year and the summer we all had together.. I had some really great visits with grandma on Thanksgiving & Christmas and those are now very cherished memories, since they were her last holidays here on earth. Grandma & grandpa had 5 children, my mom and my 4 uncles. From there, my mom had 3 kids, and between the rest of the kids, there were 13 more, for a whopping 16 grandchildren. As time went on, the family has continued to grow with the addition of 21 great grandchildren. And our grandma loved them all and she was loved by them as well. My grandma & grandpa have always been the kind of people who help people. They've let numerous kids live with them over the years, including Bryan & I when we were newlyweds! Their kids friends called them mom & dad and even the grandkids friends call them grandma & grandpa. They have been such wonderful blessings in my life! I was so close to my grandma when I was growing up. My mom is the oldest child and I am next to the oldest grandchild. With my mom having 4 younger brothers, there is only a 7 year age difference between myself and my youngest uncle. When the youngest boys still lived at home with grandma & grandpa, we felt more like siblings than like uncles & niece. Although, since I was the only girl until I was 10, they were all really good at spoiling me. I was such a mother hen as a little girl and always had one of my younger cousins on my hip as time went on. But those 10 years that I was the only granddaughter were pretty special. My grandma was the BEST at spoiling me. I stayed at her house soooo much when I was young. We were all at their house as a family quite often, but there were also lots of times that I spent the night. When she would give me a bath and wash my hair, I would wear one of Pappas shirts for a gown and she would braid my hair, every time. We always drank root beer out of glass bottles & ate bologna sandwiches. And we would have barbecues at their house and watch the movies from the drive in theater while sitting on the haystack in their backyard. My grandma would take me shopping for school clothes because I'm pretty sure she just loved to shop! And every Friday, my mom, my grandma, my aunt and us kids would go do errands. Paying bills, grocery shopping at Smith's market & trips to the post office were fun adventures for us kids. I always got a yellow smiley face cookie from the bakery. And it was fun!! I remember going to Baby News with grandma when one of the new grandbabies would arrive and she would buy them beautiful outfits to wear home from the hospital. She used to love to go to the movies and she would take me, back when it was the Porter Theater. She spent time with me, always! We all traveled together, camping, hotels, rodeos, just for fun...it didn't matter. We spent a lot of time together. We always took big family vacations to Disneyland every year. She LOVED Disneyland! It's a Small World was her favorite ride and she used to sing that song all the time. We camped together more times than I can count over the years. We took trips to the snow, we celebrated birthday parties & we have just always been a tight knit family. Even in high school, I used to borrow my grandmas clothes. We were the same size back then & she was always very stylish. She loved when I would wear or borrow something of hers. She was just talking about it not too long ago. When I was small, we used to go fishing a lot during the summer. Grandma loved to fish, but she wouldn't bait her own hook and she wouldn't take the fish off the line. Which is really funny, because I used to be he same way. Grandma had a beautiful porcelain doll collection and I think she bought most, if not all of her granddaughters their first porcelain doll. I have a huge collection now too because I collected them for years, but I haven't put them out in probably 10 years.
To me, grandma was the kind of grandma that I want to be. I loved her so much! There were some hard times and she went through a lot concerning health issues, but those aren't the times I choose to remember. I choose to remember the spunky, loving, proud, wonderful woman that she always was to me. My grandma and grandpa have always held a very special place in my heart. There's never been a shortage of hugs from those two and never a shortage of love. My grandma leaves behind a wonderful legacy & there are just no words to express how much I am going to miss her. She helped make me the person that I am today. She's the reason that I now have 4 kids, she's the reason I have my own doll collection, she's the reason I love shopping so much! She's the reason I have such a stubborn, strong willed personality and she's the reason I love feather mattresses and feather pillows. She's the reason I braid Katie's hair every single night. She's the reason I have such a wonderful mom and such an amazing family. I love her so much & I am so excited for the eternal life she's living now. There's no more pain for her, no sadness, no suffering & she is so happy, I'm sure! But for now, everything comes & goes and some of our times are happy & others are sad. I cry because I miss her but I am happy because she's with our Lord.
We will meet again, grandma & in the meantime, I will live my life to make you proud! I will cherish our memories and I will pass on the love you shared with me to my kids & my grandkids someday. And I will thank God for putting me in this amazing family & giving me so much time with you. I love you as big as the sky!!
My grandma Pauline was married to my grandpa for 59 years. How amazing is that? She was in a rehabilitation facility for the past 4 years because she had some health issues and some dementia. At first, she would come home for the holidays and was coming home here & there, but then it stopped for a while. This past year, over the summer, we finally just started going to her. We celebrated her birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, grandma & grandpas anniversary, and also some times of visiting with out of town family. She came home to my moms (her daughter) house for Thanksgiving and Christmas just a few short weeks ago & I am so grateful for this past year and the summer we all had together.. I had some really great visits with grandma on Thanksgiving & Christmas and those are now very cherished memories, since they were her last holidays here on earth. Grandma & grandpa had 5 children, my mom and my 4 uncles. From there, my mom had 3 kids, and between the rest of the kids, there were 13 more, for a whopping 16 grandchildren. As time went on, the family has continued to grow with the addition of 21 great grandchildren. And our grandma loved them all and she was loved by them as well. My grandma & grandpa have always been the kind of people who help people. They've let numerous kids live with them over the years, including Bryan & I when we were newlyweds! Their kids friends called them mom & dad and even the grandkids friends call them grandma & grandpa. They have been such wonderful blessings in my life! I was so close to my grandma when I was growing up. My mom is the oldest child and I am next to the oldest grandchild. With my mom having 4 younger brothers, there is only a 7 year age difference between myself and my youngest uncle. When the youngest boys still lived at home with grandma & grandpa, we felt more like siblings than like uncles & niece. Although, since I was the only girl until I was 10, they were all really good at spoiling me. I was such a mother hen as a little girl and always had one of my younger cousins on my hip as time went on. But those 10 years that I was the only granddaughter were pretty special. My grandma was the BEST at spoiling me. I stayed at her house soooo much when I was young. We were all at their house as a family quite often, but there were also lots of times that I spent the night. When she would give me a bath and wash my hair, I would wear one of Pappas shirts for a gown and she would braid my hair, every time. We always drank root beer out of glass bottles & ate bologna sandwiches. And we would have barbecues at their house and watch the movies from the drive in theater while sitting on the haystack in their backyard. My grandma would take me shopping for school clothes because I'm pretty sure she just loved to shop! And every Friday, my mom, my grandma, my aunt and us kids would go do errands. Paying bills, grocery shopping at Smith's market & trips to the post office were fun adventures for us kids. I always got a yellow smiley face cookie from the bakery. And it was fun!! I remember going to Baby News with grandma when one of the new grandbabies would arrive and she would buy them beautiful outfits to wear home from the hospital. She used to love to go to the movies and she would take me, back when it was the Porter Theater. She spent time with me, always! We all traveled together, camping, hotels, rodeos, just for fun...it didn't matter. We spent a lot of time together. We always took big family vacations to Disneyland every year. She LOVED Disneyland! It's a Small World was her favorite ride and she used to sing that song all the time. We camped together more times than I can count over the years. We took trips to the snow, we celebrated birthday parties & we have just always been a tight knit family. Even in high school, I used to borrow my grandmas clothes. We were the same size back then & she was always very stylish. She loved when I would wear or borrow something of hers. She was just talking about it not too long ago. When I was small, we used to go fishing a lot during the summer. Grandma loved to fish, but she wouldn't bait her own hook and she wouldn't take the fish off the line. Which is really funny, because I used to be he same way. Grandma had a beautiful porcelain doll collection and I think she bought most, if not all of her granddaughters their first porcelain doll. I have a huge collection now too because I collected them for years, but I haven't put them out in probably 10 years.
To me, grandma was the kind of grandma that I want to be. I loved her so much! There were some hard times and she went through a lot concerning health issues, but those aren't the times I choose to remember. I choose to remember the spunky, loving, proud, wonderful woman that she always was to me. My grandma and grandpa have always held a very special place in my heart. There's never been a shortage of hugs from those two and never a shortage of love. My grandma leaves behind a wonderful legacy & there are just no words to express how much I am going to miss her. She helped make me the person that I am today. She's the reason that I now have 4 kids, she's the reason I have my own doll collection, she's the reason I love shopping so much! She's the reason I have such a stubborn, strong willed personality and she's the reason I love feather mattresses and feather pillows. She's the reason I braid Katie's hair every single night. She's the reason I have such a wonderful mom and such an amazing family. I love her so much & I am so excited for the eternal life she's living now. There's no more pain for her, no sadness, no suffering & she is so happy, I'm sure! But for now, everything comes & goes and some of our times are happy & others are sad. I cry because I miss her but I am happy because she's with our Lord.
We will meet again, grandma & in the meantime, I will live my life to make you proud! I will cherish our memories and I will pass on the love you shared with me to my kids & my grandkids someday. And I will thank God for putting me in this amazing family & giving me so much time with you. I love you as big as the sky!!
Saturday, November 22, 2014
WOW!!!
Life happens so quickly these days! A week ago, my husband was involved in a standoff with a man who sent so many bullets flying through the air that it's a miracle nobody was injured or killed. This week, our family grew instantly & surprisingly & life as we know it, has changed, yet again. Hold on to those you love because things can happen so very quickly.
For those of you who are close to us, you have probably heard me say, over & over again, that we're not adopting anymore kids! And you've heard Bryan say, "yes we are!" We've always been different on our timing of these matters, but we had agreed to get one more child after Paisley. We weren't in any hurry and over the past year, we have gone back and forth. Our license is up for renewal in March (I think) & we had pretty much decided that we weren't going to renew. We were going to close the doors & be finished. Three kids is enough, right? Well, God, as always, has other plans! It's been months since we've heard from the county and we haven't been actively expecting or trying to get a child sent our way. We've settled into somewhat of a routine with three kids & we have been completely content. Tuesday afternoon at around 3:00, I received a phone call about a little boy who needed a home right away. I was given some information & asked if we would be willing to take him in, knowing that it could very well be temporary. I decided that we would do it, before I even told Bryan everything because I knew, without a doubt, that he would say, "absolutely". So when I asked what right away meant, thinking like before the week was up or something, I was told, as in right now. As soon as you can...is that ok? Well of course it's ok! This little boy needs a home & we need to love him for as long as is necessary & I know we're not very prepared, but we'll make it work! So within an hour, we found ourselves at the CPS office signing placement papers and we still hadn't met this little boy. Our kids only new what was going on because we ran home to grab a car seat for him & they were all thrilled with getting a new little brother! Except Paisley because she was still asleep.
So finally, the social worker asked if we were ready to meet him. I said yes & we went back into the room to meet him & bring him home. I found the sweetest, cutest little guy you could imagine who was scared, hungry & tired. I scooped him up into my arms & just cuddled him & tried talking to him. He was pretty shy at first, but the promise of coming home to play on the swings brought a little bit of excitement to his big brown eyes. We got outside of the office and he grew a little more animated with each step we took, and on the ride home was squealing "WEEEEE" from the back seat of the Jeep. He hit it off with the other kids right away & was obviously going to love playing outside and on the swing set. Even Paisley was excited for him, after she had gone to sleep with a family of 5 and woke up to a family of 6. Can you imagine what they were all thinking?
So here we are. Saturday. And after only a little more than 4 days, he runs around the house with the girls, laughs and plays & giggles, gets excited for his bath time, sleeps through the night, eats like a champ & acts exactly like the rest of my kids! I am, head over heels in love with this sweet little guy & I will do anything I can to give him a super happy life, no matter how long he's with us. I am praying for forever, but I do know that there's some risk & although it's scary, we're prepared for it. And I don't think I would change a thing. It's been an opportunity for us to show God's love through our family, opportunity to talk to Roman, Katie & Paisley & help them to understand that he may not be here forever, but we're going to love him and treat him as our own until everything gets decided. They seem to understand and be ok with it. He's like a visitor for an extended time, and they're happy to have a new friend. We're happy to have another member of our family & no matter what happens, I think I'm finally on board with four kids. It's not so bad...it's actually pretty fun :)
For those of you who are close to us, you have probably heard me say, over & over again, that we're not adopting anymore kids! And you've heard Bryan say, "yes we are!" We've always been different on our timing of these matters, but we had agreed to get one more child after Paisley. We weren't in any hurry and over the past year, we have gone back and forth. Our license is up for renewal in March (I think) & we had pretty much decided that we weren't going to renew. We were going to close the doors & be finished. Three kids is enough, right? Well, God, as always, has other plans! It's been months since we've heard from the county and we haven't been actively expecting or trying to get a child sent our way. We've settled into somewhat of a routine with three kids & we have been completely content. Tuesday afternoon at around 3:00, I received a phone call about a little boy who needed a home right away. I was given some information & asked if we would be willing to take him in, knowing that it could very well be temporary. I decided that we would do it, before I even told Bryan everything because I knew, without a doubt, that he would say, "absolutely". So when I asked what right away meant, thinking like before the week was up or something, I was told, as in right now. As soon as you can...is that ok? Well of course it's ok! This little boy needs a home & we need to love him for as long as is necessary & I know we're not very prepared, but we'll make it work! So within an hour, we found ourselves at the CPS office signing placement papers and we still hadn't met this little boy. Our kids only new what was going on because we ran home to grab a car seat for him & they were all thrilled with getting a new little brother! Except Paisley because she was still asleep.
So finally, the social worker asked if we were ready to meet him. I said yes & we went back into the room to meet him & bring him home. I found the sweetest, cutest little guy you could imagine who was scared, hungry & tired. I scooped him up into my arms & just cuddled him & tried talking to him. He was pretty shy at first, but the promise of coming home to play on the swings brought a little bit of excitement to his big brown eyes. We got outside of the office and he grew a little more animated with each step we took, and on the ride home was squealing "WEEEEE" from the back seat of the Jeep. He hit it off with the other kids right away & was obviously going to love playing outside and on the swing set. Even Paisley was excited for him, after she had gone to sleep with a family of 5 and woke up to a family of 6. Can you imagine what they were all thinking?
So here we are. Saturday. And after only a little more than 4 days, he runs around the house with the girls, laughs and plays & giggles, gets excited for his bath time, sleeps through the night, eats like a champ & acts exactly like the rest of my kids! I am, head over heels in love with this sweet little guy & I will do anything I can to give him a super happy life, no matter how long he's with us. I am praying for forever, but I do know that there's some risk & although it's scary, we're prepared for it. And I don't think I would change a thing. It's been an opportunity for us to show God's love through our family, opportunity to talk to Roman, Katie & Paisley & help them to understand that he may not be here forever, but we're going to love him and treat him as our own until everything gets decided. They seem to understand and be ok with it. He's like a visitor for an extended time, and they're happy to have a new friend. We're happy to have another member of our family & no matter what happens, I think I'm finally on board with four kids. It's not so bad...it's actually pretty fun :)
Wednesday, November 5, 2014
Anger & Marriage
So who gets in a HUGE fight with their spouse, on the way to church, when the message being given is about building stronger marriages? That'd be ME!! And I managed to make my husband so angry that he turned around and drove home, leaving me to go by myself with our two daughters. I pulled back out of the driveway and ALMOST didn't go, since I was on the verge of tears & didn't feel much like worshipping OR hearing about how marriage SHOULD be when my own wasn't going so great. Plus, I was late and I wasn't feeling it. I desperately wanted both of us there to hear these great messages together. Something inside of me, in spite of all the factors telling me not to go, there was a voice telling me that now was when I needed to go the most. So I quit yelling, I quit fighting, I sucked it up & went to church. I sang my praises, I finished our argument via text message while I was listening to the pastor give the sermon, although, the finish of the argument was probably much softer with me sitting in a church pew than it would have been if I would have stayed home, so that was a good thing. I was feeling cynical, angry, hurt, all of these things that weren't positive, uplifting or nice, but because of the nature of the sermon and the truths found in God's word, I was going to let it go & not ruin the entire day with a dumb fight. (Especially since I can't even remember what the fight was over! All I remember is that I was in a crummy mood and my husband was antagonizing me)
So I put on my happy face, exchanged pleasantries with my friends & pretended all was fine. Which was one of the things that was cutting me deep. Bryan told me that I was different at church than I am at home with him. I don't want to be different at home than at church! But we're all guilty of that, aren't we? For whatever reason, we always seem to hurt the ones we love the most. We, or at least I do, always put my best foot (or at least my better foot) forward when I'm at church. When I'm at home, I yell more, I swear, I say & do things that I would never do at church! Not because it's forbidden, but because it's just not how I want people to see me. So why do I let this other person come out with my husband and kids? Why do I let it bother me so much that he's never read even one of my blog posts? Why can't I ask him nicely to help with the kids or cook dinner or do a load of laundry? Why must I always be such a nag? Why do I get so angry when I know he's just trying to push my buttons? Why do I have such a hard time taking care of him when he's not feeling well? Why do I listen to sermons on building better marriages and see so many things wrong with our relationship? I'm pretty sure its because the enemy is constantly on attack and he wants us to fail. God doesn't. God knows we are all imperfect and full of sin. He knows the real me. (He knows ALL of the real me's!) I am determined to be a different person, a better version of me, always! I don't feel that I've been living up to my full potential & I want more for my husband and kids. Our pastor made a perfect point on Sunday when he said that we need to put our spouses needs ahead of our own. I've known this, always, but I never feel like Bryan puts my needs ahead of his. Guys need reminded more than women! (I'm totally kidding, of course!) But seriously, this isn't about me! Being a wife, being a mom, being a child of God...none of this should be about ME. You know that whole "love is not self-seeking" verse in the bible? Yeah. That one! How about "love keeps no record of wrongs." Or how about the fact that "it isn't easily angered?" I've got some of that verse down at least. I DO trust my husband, I protect my family with everything I have & we always manage to persevere. But when I look at that, I see so many things I'm doing wrong! I need to lighten up & enjoy my marriage & enjoy my kids. I know that Bryan isn't always the most thoughtful and he gets pretty lazy about our relationship, but instead of just giving up and giving in to the arguments, why not change myself? Why don't I put more effort in and make sure we make the time to spend some time alone together? Why don't I initiate the conversation or just tell him, point blank, EXACTLY what I want from him? (Believe it or not, guys are completely clueless sometimes & they don't always get subtlety!) It doesn't have to be some grand gesture (although that would be nice), but just little things. I think that, although our marriage is good & strong and we love each other more than anything, there is a lot of improvement to be made. It can be better. Heck, it can be GREAT! And if my husband gets too wrapped up in life to make the first move at improving it, I can certainly do that! I can change my attitude and my reactions to disagreements and I can respond with love. With a 1 Corinthians kind of love! I've seen it happen. I know God can heal those places in our marriage where we're hurting and he can nurture us back to the place He wants us to be.
I give it to you Lord! Please guide my every step, my every word, my every thought. Everything about me, make it about You! I want my focus to be on You first, my husband second & I want You to change MY heart. Help me to offer the unconditional love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I need to GIVE that kind of love before I can receive it. Please Lord, forgive me for the anger, the impatience, the unkind words and thoughts. And also Lord, help me to not be so hard on myself. I know You created me and I need to accept that I'm really not so bad ;) And thank you Lord. For this blessed life you've given me! Amen!
And here's a Paisley-ism, just for fun: I put on her pajamas tonight, her favorite "purple jammies" and she said, "mom! They're turning into Capri-sun pants!" (they were a little short)
So I put on my happy face, exchanged pleasantries with my friends & pretended all was fine. Which was one of the things that was cutting me deep. Bryan told me that I was different at church than I am at home with him. I don't want to be different at home than at church! But we're all guilty of that, aren't we? For whatever reason, we always seem to hurt the ones we love the most. We, or at least I do, always put my best foot (or at least my better foot) forward when I'm at church. When I'm at home, I yell more, I swear, I say & do things that I would never do at church! Not because it's forbidden, but because it's just not how I want people to see me. So why do I let this other person come out with my husband and kids? Why do I let it bother me so much that he's never read even one of my blog posts? Why can't I ask him nicely to help with the kids or cook dinner or do a load of laundry? Why must I always be such a nag? Why do I get so angry when I know he's just trying to push my buttons? Why do I have such a hard time taking care of him when he's not feeling well? Why do I listen to sermons on building better marriages and see so many things wrong with our relationship? I'm pretty sure its because the enemy is constantly on attack and he wants us to fail. God doesn't. God knows we are all imperfect and full of sin. He knows the real me. (He knows ALL of the real me's!) I am determined to be a different person, a better version of me, always! I don't feel that I've been living up to my full potential & I want more for my husband and kids. Our pastor made a perfect point on Sunday when he said that we need to put our spouses needs ahead of our own. I've known this, always, but I never feel like Bryan puts my needs ahead of his. Guys need reminded more than women! (I'm totally kidding, of course!) But seriously, this isn't about me! Being a wife, being a mom, being a child of God...none of this should be about ME. You know that whole "love is not self-seeking" verse in the bible? Yeah. That one! How about "love keeps no record of wrongs." Or how about the fact that "it isn't easily angered?" I've got some of that verse down at least. I DO trust my husband, I protect my family with everything I have & we always manage to persevere. But when I look at that, I see so many things I'm doing wrong! I need to lighten up & enjoy my marriage & enjoy my kids. I know that Bryan isn't always the most thoughtful and he gets pretty lazy about our relationship, but instead of just giving up and giving in to the arguments, why not change myself? Why don't I put more effort in and make sure we make the time to spend some time alone together? Why don't I initiate the conversation or just tell him, point blank, EXACTLY what I want from him? (Believe it or not, guys are completely clueless sometimes & they don't always get subtlety!) It doesn't have to be some grand gesture (although that would be nice), but just little things. I think that, although our marriage is good & strong and we love each other more than anything, there is a lot of improvement to be made. It can be better. Heck, it can be GREAT! And if my husband gets too wrapped up in life to make the first move at improving it, I can certainly do that! I can change my attitude and my reactions to disagreements and I can respond with love. With a 1 Corinthians kind of love! I've seen it happen. I know God can heal those places in our marriage where we're hurting and he can nurture us back to the place He wants us to be.
I give it to you Lord! Please guide my every step, my every word, my every thought. Everything about me, make it about You! I want my focus to be on You first, my husband second & I want You to change MY heart. Help me to offer the unconditional love found in 1 Corinthians 13:4-7 "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres." I need to GIVE that kind of love before I can receive it. Please Lord, forgive me for the anger, the impatience, the unkind words and thoughts. And also Lord, help me to not be so hard on myself. I know You created me and I need to accept that I'm really not so bad ;) And thank you Lord. For this blessed life you've given me! Amen!
And here's a Paisley-ism, just for fun: I put on her pajamas tonight, her favorite "purple jammies" and she said, "mom! They're turning into Capri-sun pants!" (they were a little short)
Saturday, October 18, 2014
Life Happens
So life has been completely & totally crazy lately. Even more so than normal. We have several huge "life events" happening right now & it comes in the wake of so many more things having happened, beginning just one short year ago. Almost a year ago, Katie had her first of two, major orthopedic surgeries and since then, it has been one major thing after another. I have been so unbelievably emotional lately & trying to keep it all together, yet failing miserably. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of bad things happening, but there have also been so many big & small, glorious, wonderful, beautiful things happening too! It comes as no surprise that God always brings something good out of even the worse situations. My faith has been tested time & time again over the course of this past year. I've found that when I try to handle things on my own, its a major fail! But when I trust God and I stay in constant prayer & close contact with Him, everything is easier to cope with & everything turns out just fine! Sometimes, it turns out even better than what I imagine it to be. And I KNOW this to be true, yet I constantly try to take over and handle everything myself. Which ends up with me feeling broken, stressed, lonely, tired, angry, sad. and then what happens? I yell at my kids. I argue with my husband. I close myself off from people I love & I distance myself. I keep myself locked up in my hurt, in my sadness, in my anger & frustration. Bryan knows that I have these moments of crazy, screaming, seriously want to beat somebody senseless moments, so he asks the kids, "did mommy let her crazy out today?" And they know. They know the crazy mom. They know the one who completely loses control & gives in to all of those negative feelings. I don't want to be THAT mom!! I desire to be a kind, compassionate, gentle, soft, joyful mom with a fighters heart. I love my husband & my children with everything I have! But I NEED to love them better!! I NEED to be the wife, mother, & woman that they DESERVE. And it's time I become that person. There are things happening that are out of my control & it's not my job to worry about them. God has this all under control & my doubts, fears and worries are human nature, not godly feelings. Why am I telling myself that God can't handle it? I'm pretty sure He doesn't need my input! He has a plan and a purpose for me. He doesn't make mistakes. When I try to take over & handle it all myself, what am I saying about my faith? What am I showing others about my faith? In John 20:24-29, the bible tells about Thomas, one of Jesus' disciples. When Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe. He said he would only believe if he could put his hands in the nail marks or touch his hand to Jesus' side, only then would he believe. So a week later, Jesus appeared.
John 20:27-29 "Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"
Wow! STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE!!! I think it's normal for us all to doubt. It's normal for us all to give in to negative feelings & try to do it ourselves. But I needed this tidbit of TRUTH to remind ME to STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE. I need it to hit me over the head like a hammer and to remind me that I am NOT the one in control! I NEED Jesus. I NEED Him to knock me on the head and remind me, again, to follow, not try to lead. I need to pray and ask for guidance before any and all choices I make. I need to pray without ceasing and I need to get my focus back. I need to quit beating myself up about things I do wrong and instead, rejoice in the things we do for the Lord. I'm on my way to that, still a work in progress, but as Lysa TerKeurst writes, it's an imperfect progress!
John 20:27-29 "Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"
Wow! STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE!!! I think it's normal for us all to doubt. It's normal for us all to give in to negative feelings & try to do it ourselves. But I needed this tidbit of TRUTH to remind ME to STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE. I need it to hit me over the head like a hammer and to remind me that I am NOT the one in control! I NEED Jesus. I NEED Him to knock me on the head and remind me, again, to follow, not try to lead. I need to pray and ask for guidance before any and all choices I make. I need to pray without ceasing and I need to get my focus back. I need to quit beating myself up about things I do wrong and instead, rejoice in the things we do for the Lord. I'm on my way to that, still a work in progress, but as Lysa TerKeurst writes, it's an imperfect progress!
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