Me: Sitting at the table, drinking my coffee, reading a book
Paisley: walks into the room a little sleepy eyed & said, “good morning, mom. I like when you’ve had your coffee & you’re calm & you look like that.”
Me: what do you mean? I’m not calm all the time?
Paisley: you are, but coffee makes you really calm.
I think she meant content, but she doesn’t know that word yet. I was flattered that my happiness appears to be noticeable to my kiddos 😍😍 We have been through a whirlwind of stuff over the last several months & I’m learning to find my “calm.” I appreciate all the thoughts & prayers from those closest to me who know what I’ve been dealing with, and at times, I’ve had to just cope on my own. But I am in love with my life, with my circle of people around me & with where I’m at at this exact moment. Sure, there are lots of things that could be a little different & definitely things that could be better, but I am learning to be content in all circumstances. It’s easy to be content when life is going smoothly, the kids are behaving, work is awesome, marriage is great, etc. but how do we manage to be content when it ALL comes crashing down? How do you become content when your marriage of almost 21 years ends, abruptly, and leaves you breathless and alone? When you are looking for work & have gone on a few interviews and nothing has panned out? When you watch your kids make poor choice after poor choice? When you watch yourself make poor choice after poor choice? When you’ve had to deal with multiple deaths of people you loved so much more than you can express? How do you keep smiling through that & actually FEEL happiness & contentment? The only answer I can come up with as to how all of these things can happen & you can STILL find positivity & happiness is God. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely wavered, I have doubted, I have searched & struggled & I continue to search & struggle, and I have grieved. Man have I grieved and cried and felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest & I couldn’t breathe. But He’s still there & that has never ever changed. I have always said that I truly believe that beauty can always rise from the ashes of even the most devastating things. I didn’t realize that I was going to have to walk this path & realize this for myself, once again, as I deal with these major life changes, but the feelings I feel are nothing short of contentment. I’m so grateful for those who have shown me an endless amount of grace on this journey I’m on & I truly hope that I am the same kind of friend in return. I have been told for so long how self care is so important and how we can’t care for others until we can care for ourselves. I never realized the importance & the validity of those statements until I had no choice. When everything began to change, I HAD to take care of myself first. The mom guilt kicked in BIG time when I did that & it was hard for the kids to figure out what was happening during that time, but they’re used to it now & judging from my kids reaction to me enjoying a quiet cup of coffee this morning, I think they love me even more than they did before. Its true what they say, you have no idea how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. I went from surviving to blossoming & I pray I continue on THIS path. It’s much more fun than just surviving or getting by. I will leave you with this: Phillipians 4:10-13 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and all every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.
I may not show it all the time & I continue to make choices that may not be the best & I continue to struggle, but I am enjoying being me & I’m realizing that THAT is enough. I hope someone might get a little bit of inspiration out of a tiny little portion of my story.
