So here's my early Mothers Day confession. Motherhood overwhelms the crap out of me! I can't possibly be alone in this, but it sure feels like it at times. I really want to cherish all the little moments, I want to be able to enjoy them while they're little, but in reality, I often feel like I'm losing my mind! I love them, but I would give anything to have a weekend off & a little bit of time to myself. As much as I love my husband, I feel like he's a huge part of the problem at times. He works way too much & I'm left feeling like I'm single-handedly screwing up our kids AND my marriage. Not to mention, I sometimes feel like he's a 5th child! (And I can say all of this because he has NEVER read my blog & probably never will!) He doesn't manage his time very well & I'm a scheduler. You kinda have to be when you have 4 kids & especially when one of them has cerebral palsy. It's what I do with most of my time. Schedule dr's visits, schedule therapy sessions, schedule our homeschool day, schedule family time around work schedules, make sure all kids get to their activities that are already scheduled, and usually helping to manage the hubby's schedule too. He probably doesn't see it the same way, but he's wrong. ;) so when he gets ready to go to work & he tells me what I need to do or expects me to run errands for him or just shows no respect for what my day does or doesn't consist of, I seriously want to punch him. Hard. In the face. I can tell him all these ways that he drives me crazy with his goals of wanting to get this or that done, but he doesn't see that I just can't give any more of myself. I mean, technically, I guess I can, but I just feel spread so thin. I'm exhausted. And I stay up super late almost every night watching tv because that is the only time that I have to myself and the only time my house is quiet. Probably not the best idea, espcially when I feel so tired, but I just can't help it!
I made the choice to homeschool the kids for many, many reasons. For one, I always wanted to, but I was too afraid when the kids started school so I put them in public school. Secondly, when Katie had her surgeries and missed so much school, I realized how far she was falling behind & I never wanted her to feel like she has to keep up with anyone else. Thirdly, with Bryan's works schedule, it's been really nice to be able to put the kids on our schedule rather than schools schedule. The list can go on & on. I know that homeschooling adds to my being tired & feeling overwhelmed, that if I put my kids in school that I could get "a break", but that's not the same thing. In school, there's school all day long, helping in the classroom (because that's just who I am), homework all night, squeezing in all those dr's appts, therapy appts, extracurricular activities, and trying to find some family time. We decided that family time is one of the most important things to us. We value God & His design for our lives & the lives of our children, so we're showing that dedication by choosing to homeschool. How much of that are they going to get in a public school setting? I want our children to know that they are loved, to know that we want to be with them. We worked really hard to start our family & to add to it. I never want to forget that these children are a gift. I may not always appreciate them, I definitely fail them on a regular basis & I get overwhelmed with mommy duties much of the time, but I do love them. I cherish them & I want them to become God loving adults who raise their children in a manner that brings glory to God. And I want their upbringing to be rooted in faith & Christian values.
So there are some ways that I can change things to feel less overwhelmed, but would that really work? If I put the kids in public school, it would be something else that makes me feel that way, I've already been down that road. And it's not the kids' fault that they drive me bonkers sometimes...it's because I'm an adult & they're children. It's what they're supposed to do. I feel like I need a support group of Christian, stay at home, homeschooling mothers of adopted & special needs children who are married to law enforcement officers. Do you think one exists in our tiny little area of the world? I know every mom struggles. Every mom feels like a failure. Every mom strives to do better. Add to that, trying to deal with the emotions of adopted children, children with special needs & the siblings of those special kids. There are many behaviors that Paisley portrays that I try to correct in her & I'm told it's "normal" behavior from moms with "normal" kids. It's not "normal" coming from a kid who has lived in 5 different homes in 4 years. Maybe one of those behaviors is normal, but not the many of them combined together to just be a constant battle. Katie shouldn't have to try to be "normal" in order to fit in with other kids. She needs to be herself & not be treated as a novelty. Roman has only been with us a short amount of time compared to his age & I know it's a struggle for him to feel fully connected to us. It's really difficult raising other people's children. Especially for the first couple of years. They're struggling to know that they belong, they're struggling to understand what has changed & happened to them & we're struggling to find everyone's "fit". Struggling to make it work & keep everyone feeling loved & needed without completely losing ourselves. It's exhausting to have to constantly reassure Paisley that when we did things before she was born that she wasn't just with another mom, but that she wasn't even born yet. And to make Levi understand that this is it, he doesn't have to leave ever again, even though we were so uncertain for so long.
So even though I often have these feelings of just being overwhelmed, I usually feel better when I have a chance to get away from it all. I think I'm in need of a little get away with the hubby, but when he's working like 21 shifts straight (12 hour night shifts), then it's kind of hard to find the time to get away. And then there's the guilt. I always feel guilty leaving the kids behind! But I'm determined to have a different attitude about it. My marriage needs some work & it's not easy to give it the attention it deserves when my focus has to be 4 kids all the time. I want to set an example for my kids that shows their dad & I taking time to work on "us". Because when they grow up, I don't want them to feel guilty for leaving their kids behind for a weekend or for a date night. I want them to build strong marriages & above all, I want them to enjoy the gift of marriage that God gives them. None of this is ever easy! It's messy, it's complicated, it's hard! Really hard! But it's so worth it! And in the end, I truly love homeschooling! (The highlight of this week was getting new curriculum in the mail) I LOVE my husband, even though he drives me crazy & I want to strangle him for working so much. I love all 4 of theses amazing kids that God entrusted to me & it's a thrill to teach them about Jesus & watch them learn & grow. But for now, I'm overwhelmed, exhausted & trying to remember to enjoy every moment! So to all you moms who may be reading, you're not alone! Have a beautiful Mother's Day & take some time for yourself :) To anyone reading who is not a mom, here's some insight into how moms feel. Take some time to spoil your mom tomorrow. If your mom isn't with you anymore, pick a mom to show some extra love to. Let her know that she's appreciated & understood. It'll go a long way to make her day a little brighter :)
