Adoption

Since November is Adoption Awareness Month & we get to finalize our last adoption ON National Adoption Day, I figured today would be a great day for a new blog post & an update on our crazy lives! It's been a while!! Four kids and everyone going in different directions has been challenging, rewarding, trying & amazing. But most of all, just plain CRAZY, especially with 2 toddler/pre-school aged children in the house.
I think it's been close to a year ago since my last post. It was a year ago today that little Levi came into our lives, scared, sad & broken. And in that year, he has made AMAZING changes. He's super attached, a total mamas boy (and proud of it!), sweet, talkative, sensitive, happy, intelligent, active. All the things that any mother would dream of for her little man to be! He's perfect :) He began his life with us in the Bright Start program with a very limited vocabulary & some developmental delays. A year later, he's graduated from the program with flying colors. He is beyond where he should be at his age & he talks NON STOP! I've always been a little confused as to why there were so many concerns with him, because once he had some attention & a place of belonging, he just blossomed! He really has just amazed me, just like the rest of my kids!
All of my kids have this way about them. They win hearts everywhere they go, and then when people hear their stories, they are even more amazed by them. I am too! My kids and I did a little fundraiser & had people sponsor a bag to donate to foster care for kids to have something to use to move their belongings from home to home. I am a ThirtyOne consultant so we did it through me & we were able to purchase cinch sacs, toothbrushes & stuffed animals to bless 8 children with. I was discussing it yesterday, with Katie, Paisley & Levi & we ended up talking about how we were finalizing Levi's adoption Friday & about all of their lives before they came to be with us. And OUR life before they came to be with us, too. This is a hard subject to discuss with little kids who don't understand! But since we were making this donation to CWS, I was making it relatable to them. I explained that sometimes mommy's who grow their babies can't take care of them, or they have lots of problems & don't know how to be good, and some have to go to jail, some don't keep their children safe, some use drugs, some pass away. It's not because they don't love them, it's because they don't know how to love them. Sometimes it's a vicious cycle, often times it's due to addiction, sometimes its financial, sometimes it's abuse. There are more reasons than you can imagine! But I had to also share with them the other end of the spectrum! Those of us who tried for so long to have babies & we were unable to because there was a different plan for us. I shared with them that I had 2 babies in my belly who died & we just couldn't afford to travel down any other avenues to make that happen. Plus, we were at the end of our rope emotionally! But God had a plan. He had a plan for me, for Bryan, for Roman, for Katie, for Paisley & for Levi. He took all 6 of us who were sad, broken, lonely & longing for a family & He turned us into this wild, crazy, perfectly imperfect FAMILY! Bryan & I were almost ready to give up completely & live out a life without children, just the 2 of us. And now? Now we have FOUR kids & try, usually unsuccessfully, to squeeze in even a few hours of time with just the 2 of us.
I can't imagine how different things would be if the kids hadn't come into our lives!
Adoption is such a beautiful thing! But it's also really messy. It has its share of ugly in there & it's really, really hard! The end result is a beautiful tapestry where you can see how perfectly woven together your family is, but there are things that go on behind the scenes that nobody realizes are there. As with other families, I'm sure. But when you adopt, you are agreeing to raise a child that you didn't give birth to. You're choosing to love them through their issues, you're choosing to take on the responsibility of raising someone else's child, you're agreeing to deal with behaviors & attachment issues (as the parents and for the child) & you're putting yourself into little lives that have already seen & lived through so much more than what you, as an adult, can even imagine. You're agreeing to take the broken heart when your child grows up & wants to meet their "real" mom or dad. I've had a difficult adjustment with my growing family. As the parent, you really tend to take on their loss as your own, and when they've lost their biological family, there is definitely a grief & loss they have to deal with. Plus, I've dealt with my own loss. As much as we try to be a "normal" family, we are far from it! When you're dealing with a child with behavior issues because of their past, and nobody else in the "real world" understands that it's not just "normal" behavior, it can make you feel quite frustrated. When nobody else sees the big picture, you feel isolated. When you don't want to reach out for help because you hear people talking about how bad this kid is or that kid is & about how this mom doesn't parent this way or that way & you just know that if you reach out, you're going to be one of those "judged" moms, then it makes you feel alone. I'm sure there are plenty of other parents who feel this way, and I'm certainly not trying to take away from that. But when you adopt, you make a choice to take on all of this & you also know that all of these feelings, all of these failures & all of the loneliness is magnified. Because nobody gets your story unless they've been through it. There are so many types of adoption, but loss & grief definitely comes with all of them, in my opinion. My kids sometimes need a little more patience & a little more understanding because of what they came from! And us, as their parents, need a little more patience & a little more understanding from other adults because of what we may be dealing with at home. Ultimately, adoption has been the most beautiful experience of our lives, and we are blessed beyond belief by the love & support of our family & friends. I'm ok with my family not being "normal." My kids all have an incredible story to share & im sure they will, someday. And I hope that when they do, they are able to share Gods love, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness. Because without that, they wouldn't be where they are! And I wouldn't either!!
I sometimes feel like I only post when I'm feeling Gods love the most in my life, so please don't think I'm always good or perfect! I am soooo far from it & I have struggled with my faith ALOT over the past year. I've been battling grief, weight, health issues. Some days I don't even feel like getting out of bed, then I remember, oh yeah! I've got God on my side & it will be OK. It's been a struggle, for sure! But that's why I'm choosing to focus on the positive! And I wanted to take a moment today to talk about adoption. It has schanged my life drastically! We closed our doors & Levi is definitely our last one, so for now, we are loving all the fun experiences we get to have with this Crazy Clower Clan. And I am so thankful & amazed, yet again, by Gods love.






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Water situation

For those of you who are wondering, here's a little update & back story on our water situation. I'll start at the beginning...

Last summer, our well quit pumping water. We thought we were completely out because of the drought situation. We called a well company & they came out & were able to drop our pump about 15 feet & we had water again. Yay! Fast forward to March-running water, then BAM. No more water :(
We knew we couldn't drop our pump anymore, so our well was dry. We called our county who is responsible for drought assistance & they have a waiting list you can get on to get a tank of water, which is piped into your house & refilled every week or every other week. Awesome! We were told it would be a month or 2 waiting list, which was fine, and we hooked onto the neighbors house with a hose. We were super conservative with water, only showering every other day, using all paper & plastic, not watering the lawn, recycling the kids' bath water to water flowers, etc. Our water was being provided through a 100' hose that connected us to the neighboring property. When the sun would shine on the hose, the water coming out into the house was literally scalding hot & would bubble and smelled & tasted like rubber. So I hooked us up with Sparkletts & we received a water cooler with hot & cold water & however many 5 gallon jugs of drinking water I need every week, which we pay for. A couple of weeks passed & we called the county to see where we were at & were told we weren't on the list. Apparently they had no record of our phone call, so we went through all the questions again & we were assured we were on the list this time & it would be handled. April came & went and we never received our tank. In May, I started calling & after a few times of being told, "I'm away from my desk, call me Monday" or "I'll look it up & call you back," I would get busy with the kids & I ASSUMED they had it handled & we were on the list. In July, we called again & were wondering what was going on. Apparently, all of our information was lost AGAIN & we weren't on the list. So we went through all the information in hopes that they wouldn't lose it this time. Two days later, our neighbors well & our only source of water, went dry. I was FURIOUS!! If we had been on the list like we were supposed to have been at the beginning, we would have already had our tank hooked up & water coming every week. After a little venting post on Facebook, a friend helped get the ball rolling. Someone called us & apologized about the situation & an assessor was out the next day. We were told we would have a tank in 2 weeks. Three & a half weeks later, we called to find out why we STILL didn't have a water tank & we were told that the permit was pulled a week prior & that we should be getting it any day. After another weekend of no water tank, having to go elsewhere to shower, many arguments with the husband & high stress levels, I called on Monday of this week. I was NOT happy & I made sure they understood the entirety of the situation & exactly why I was so upset. I wasn't rude, but I was firm & I made my expectations clear. We received a phone call stating that we were scheduled for install on Thursday. The following day, 2 tanks were delivered. Two beautiful, glorious tanks that will hold water & give us the ability to flush toilets, wash our hands, bathe our children & live a somewhat normal life! I was on cloud 9!!! The next day, Thursday (yesterday), they came & installed them. Hooked them to the house & had them all ready to go. The installer told me they would be here any minute with water. We decided to wait for water instead of going to run errands & stuff. We couldn't wait to take a shower in our own home & even the kids were excited to not have a sponge bath. About 4:30, I called because we still didn't have water. I was told we were on the schedule for that day & that they work 12 hour shifts so it could be any time. Finally, we had a birthday party to attend & I went to get shampoo & a few other things I needed in anticipation of a hot shower! Came home from the party, NOTHING!!! Needless to say, I wanted to cry. I went to bed, very unhappy & woke up ready to make some heads roll. Up to this point, I have been very nice every time I've had to call someone. I was on the phone first thing this morning & I made sure they understood my displeasure. I STILL don't have water, although I'm told the water delivery driver is one of the better ones & they're supposedly calling him & he would more than likely be delivering water right away. And nobody seems to have any answers as to why the water wasn't delivered yesterday, as scheduled. So I let them know that, considering all of the times I've had to call & stay on top of it, that I'm very concerned that I will have to call them weekly wondering where our water is. And believe me, if I don't have water by noon today, I WILL be calling, AGAIN & speaking to a supervisor. We're in the home stretch & once we get the temporary water figured out, we've already got the line out for a new well. Which is a significant amount of money that we don't really have, but I guess we have to do what we have to do. This has been an extremely frustrating situation. And I also want to add that we pay taxes to our irrigation district & the purpose for those taxes is for them to release ground water and keep the aquifers filled up. There is absolutely no point in lake success having any water in it, other than for recreation. It should be released & used as a starting point to replenish the ground water. There are currently no plans made by the state to build holding areas for future drought issues, there is no water coming from up north to help out the Central Valley & farmers continue to have no restriction on ground water pumping, which is depleting the aquifers. They can pump ground water for cheaper than they can get their water from the irrigation district, so when the drought subsides a little, what will happen? Do you think they'll pay more for the irrigation district water or will they continue to pump the ground water & deplete the aquifer? I'm not anti farmer, at all. I'm just tired of being made to feel like residents don't matter, only the farmers matter. I apologize for my rant & I apologize if I offend anyone, but please understand where I am coming from. And also, please pray for my sanity! I prayed before I made the phone call this morning, just so that I didn't lose it over the phone. I don't want to be a horrible person, but I continue to be tested & my patience has grown very thin. I sometimes wonder if people only like me because of Bryan, because everyone thinks he's the nice one. He always maintains his cool, to everyone else, and I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's hard being a girl sometimes! Lol! I'm praying for other people in similar situations as ours & I pray there's an end in sight. I don't want to move & leave our home behind, but I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm praying that today brings us the help we need because I don't think I can do it for another weekend :(


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Our Crazy Life

     So there's a reason I chose the name, Crazy Clower Clan for my blog title. It seems that no matter what happens in life, I can always count on our craziness to humor me. And this summer has been no exception! It's kind of been one of those, laugh, trust God to see us through or we're likely to go completely, certifiably, live in an asylum kind of crazy! Our summer started off with our oldest leaving to go work at a church camp for the summer, which made me totally proud, yet completely sad at the same time. And of course, Bryan has been working a lot, (and nights at that!) which means that I spend a lot of time at home. Alone. With our three youngest children. A 9 year old with limited mobility, a 4-year old that always manages to get on my very last nerve and a rambunctious 2-year old boy. I'm not complaining, they definitely keep me entertained & we've had some great one on one time. They sometimes drive me crazy, but more than that are all of those wonderful little I love you's & random hugs & lots & lots of cuddles! I'm trying to remember to focus on all the affection these little one's give me since my oldest thinks he's too big to love on his mamma the same way ;)
     After about a month of pretty much constant summer chaos, we decided to make a trip to Sacramento to visit a dear friend over 4th of July weekend. It was my cousin, my 3 youngest & myself. Bryan had to work & I desperately needed my friend! The trip there was relatively smooth until we arrived. When we unloaded Katie's wheelchair, her control panel with the buttons was gone off of her joystick. After a slight, "what the heck are we gonna do?!," we discovered that beaters off of a hand mixer worked great to operate the chair. I was able to turn it on & off by pushing those onto the electronics. So we had a good laugh about having to carry those around in my purse & couldn't, for the life of us, come up with a better solution. So our weekend began. The next day, we were headed to the store, kids & wheelchair in tow, and I hit a speed bump a little harder than I meant to. Not major, just a little harder. We hear a loud crash & I smell something hot, almost like breaks so we stop, in the middle of the road & jump out of the truck. The wheelchair lift broke!! With a 300 pound wheelchair strapped to it!! I was beginning to think I should have just stayed home, but luckily, my cousin & I figured it out. We got the wheelchair off the truck, with about 15 cars driving around us & nobody bothering to offer to help us. She pushed the chair back to the house & I drove to pick her up. Thank goodness for Google! I found a machine shop, got directions & went to get the lift repaired! And since the key to the hitch pin was on my other keys in Porterville, I couldn't just drop the lift off. We had to wait for about 2 hours while it was being fixed. But we managed & it got done! We felt accomplished for being women & children & problem solving all by ourselves! Lol! The rest of the trip went off without a hitch...except when, at the capital building, security needed to look inside my purse to see what the funny shaped item on the x-ray machine was. (Don't forget about the beaters we were using to operate the chair) After a wonderful, full, fulfilling weekend of friendship. love, laughs & lots of visiting, we headed home. That trip was significantly uneventful, other than rocking out to music on my phone & cracking up when Paisley started doing Katie's dance moves to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. In her sleep!! See? Those kids keep me so entertained! Oh yeah! And AFTER we arrived home, I brilliantly realized that I could have used a screwdriver, allen wrenches, bobby pins, etc. to operate Katie's wheelchair. But that wouldn't have been nearly as funny as the beaters! I will never forget the beaters!! After getting home, all was going pretty well. The kids & I took a trip to the mountains to visit Roman, Bryan & I took the little ones to the beach for a day trip, and that's about all we've had time for.
    And then last week came. Way back at the beginning of March, our well had gone dry. We were hooked up to my in-laws water and waiting for a water tank from the county that never arrived. Last week, we lost our water supply, again and we were still nowhere with a tank. Finally, a friend pulled through for us & the situation has been rectified. We should be receiving a pressurized water tank next week, which seems like so far away, but it's much better than what it has been! I'm so thankful for so many friends & family who have brought us lots of water, paper goods, etc & they have truly been God sent! And even though we're doing ok on water at the moment, it has not been easy! We have to shower & do laundry at my moms, which gives us a reason to go hang out with her, but it is definitely not the same as being able to just run a household normally. I've been potty training Levi, which he's been doing great at, but we've had a few accidents and I had to go back to pull ups at bedtime, just to not have to wash his bedding twice a week. I avoid cooking because I don't want to use the water we have for dishes, I would much rather be able to flush. I feel like we're camping, but in our home. And I don't love camping, so needless to say, I haven't been the happiest mom/wife! The kids taught me a song today, randomly, from Daniel Tiger & now I have it stuck in my head & I need to use it. "When you get so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath & count to four! 1-2-3-4!" Maybe it was them telling me to be better about keeping my cool. I don't know, but I do know that I'm happy my kids are so easy going. They just roll with the punches & don't even realize that anything is any different. I told Bryan the other day that I don't even think the kids realize we don't have any water. They're clean, fed, happy & very well taken care of. Their needs are met & since it doesn't inconvenience them, I guess that means I'm doing my job ;) I was straightening up in the bathroom yesterday & replenishing water, and when I walked in the living room the door was open and Levi was outside. I asked him what he was doing & he said, "Levi peepee yard!" This was the day after he decided to pee in the yard at a friends house, During a birthday party...I guess he's trying to help us conserve water? Or he's just acting like a boy who lives in the country & he just really likes peeing in the yard. Either way, it makes me laugh!
     Since we've been out of water, Katie's electric wheelchair finally gave up completely & it's completely out of commission, waiting on insurance stuff & then approval for parts. She hasn't been happy about losing her mobility & I haven't been happy about that, either. Night shift is certainly taking it's toll on our marriage. We never see each other, it's hard to sleep during the day, everyone is stressed out, cranky & tired when we do actually see each other & it seemed like there was no end in sight. However, Bryan will be going to day shift this weekend (as long as his schedule holds out)! I am so, unbelievably happy about this news!!! It will make a world of difference to have daddy at home again in the evenings. The kids will know when they get to see him again, he will have daylight left before he goes to bed and be able to get things done & we will actually feel somewhat normal again. I hope! Through all of the trials we've been facing lately, I continue to trust in God. I know He shines stronger in our weaknesses & I feel like I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This year has brought so many changes in our family, both good & bad. It's been a year since my first blog post where I first shared our story, which you can read here http://crazyclowers.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-story.html It has been a year since Katie received her power wheelchair, a year since we ran out of water the FIRST time (this is the third time in a year!), 8 months since we received our surprise little blessing, Levi, 6-months since we lost my grandma, 4-months since I had my hysterectomy. It's definitely been a year full of ups and downs, and although I try to keep a smile on my face & be strong through it all, it is not without Gods grace that I manage to even get through. Some days are harder than others & all I can say is, I'm trying. I sometimes miss the peacefulness we had before we had 2 toddlers in the house, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! Some of these stages that we're going through, we skipped over with Roman & Katie, so Paisley & Levi are breaking us in pretty good! And oh my goodness, are they doing their job well! Lol! As Roman gets older and we still have a 2 year old in the house, I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. But I do now know, without a doubt, that we are done having children. I feel like Paisley & Levi are almost like a 2nd family since they are so much younger than the other 2. As much as I love the kiddos being young, I truly do look forward to the older stages of their lives as well. Bryan & I celebrated 18 years of marriage last month & I'm looking forward to what the next 18 years will bring us. I find myself looking forward to having grown children, grandchildren, a husband who is home more often & us being able to travel & do things together, just the two of us. I miss him. I miss him being at work all the time, I miss having him to myself, I miss having my own life to myself. Lol! And I may catch some flack for saying those things, but it's true. I do enjoy the stage we are at now, but it is definitely a difficult one. We seem to be at odds more often than not and we are completely going in different directions most of the time. It will be interesting to see what God has in store for the next 20 years. So with that being said, we will continue to be the Crazy Clower Clan & I will continue these wonderful adventures of child rearing & I will continue to find the humor in each day that I'm blessed with these wonderful little people who take up all my time, invade all of my privacy & demand my constant attention. Because truth be told, there's nothing else I would rather be doing.

Overwhelmed

So here's my early Mothers Day confession. Motherhood overwhelms the crap out of me! I can't possibly be alone in this, but it sure feels like it at times. I really want to cherish all the little moments, I want to be able to enjoy them while they're little, but in reality, I often feel like I'm losing my mind! I love them, but I would give anything to have a weekend off & a little bit of time to myself. As much as I love my husband, I feel like he's a huge part of the problem at times. He works way too much & I'm left feeling like I'm single-handedly screwing up our kids AND my marriage. Not to mention, I sometimes feel like he's a 5th child! (And I can say all of this because he has NEVER read my blog & probably never will!) He doesn't manage his time very well & I'm a scheduler. You kinda have to be when you have 4 kids & especially when one of them has cerebral palsy. It's what I do with most of my time. Schedule dr's visits, schedule therapy sessions, schedule our homeschool day, schedule family time around work schedules, make sure all kids get to their activities that are already scheduled, and usually helping to manage the hubby's schedule too. He probably doesn't see it the same way, but he's wrong. ;) so when he gets ready to go to work & he tells me what I need to do or expects me to run errands for him or just shows no respect for what my day does or doesn't consist of, I seriously want to punch him. Hard. In the face. I can tell him all these ways that he drives me crazy with his goals of wanting to get this or that done, but he doesn't see that I just can't give any more of myself. I mean, technically, I guess I can, but I just feel spread so thin. I'm exhausted. And I stay up super late almost every night watching tv because that is the only time that I have to myself and the only time my house is quiet. Probably not the best idea, espcially when I feel so tired, but I just can't help it!

I made the choice to homeschool the kids for many, many reasons. For one, I always wanted to, but I was too afraid when the kids started school so I put them in public school. Secondly, when Katie had her surgeries and missed so much school, I realized how far she was falling behind & I never wanted her to feel like she has to keep up with anyone else. Thirdly, with Bryan's works schedule, it's been really nice to be able to put the kids on our schedule rather than schools schedule. The list can go on & on. I know that homeschooling adds to my being tired & feeling overwhelmed, that if I put my kids in school that I could get "a break", but that's not the same thing. In school, there's school all day long, helping in the classroom (because that's just who I am), homework all night, squeezing in all those dr's appts, therapy appts, extracurricular activities, and trying to find some family time. We decided that family time is one of the most important things to us. We value God & His design for our lives & the lives of our children, so we're showing that dedication by choosing to homeschool. How much of that are they going to get in a public school setting? I want our children to know that they are loved, to know that we want to be with them. We worked really hard to start our family & to add to it. I never want to forget that these children are a gift. I may not always appreciate them, I definitely fail them on a regular basis & I get overwhelmed with mommy duties much of the time, but I do love them. I cherish them & I want them to become God loving adults who raise their children in a manner that brings glory to God. And I want their upbringing to be rooted in faith & Christian values.

So there are some ways that I can change things to feel less overwhelmed, but would that really work? If I put the kids in public school, it would be something else that makes me feel that way, I've already been down that road. And it's not the kids' fault that they drive me bonkers sometimes...it's because I'm an adult & they're children. It's what they're supposed to do. I feel like I need a support group of Christian, stay at home, homeschooling mothers of adopted & special needs children who are married to law enforcement officers. Do you think one exists in our tiny little area of the world? I know every mom struggles. Every mom feels like a failure. Every mom strives to do better. Add to that, trying to deal with the emotions of adopted children, children with special needs & the siblings of those special kids. There are many behaviors that Paisley portrays that I try to correct in her & I'm told it's "normal" behavior from moms with "normal" kids. It's not "normal" coming from a kid who has lived in 5 different homes in 4 years. Maybe one of those behaviors is normal, but not the many of them combined together to just be a constant battle. Katie shouldn't have to try to be "normal" in order to fit in with other kids. She needs to be herself & not be treated as a novelty. Roman has only been with us a short amount of time compared to his age & I know it's a struggle for him to feel fully connected to us. It's really difficult raising other people's children. Especially for the first couple of years. They're struggling to know that they belong, they're struggling to understand what has changed & happened to them & we're struggling to find everyone's "fit". Struggling to make it work & keep everyone feeling loved & needed without completely losing ourselves. It's exhausting to have to constantly reassure Paisley that when we did things before she was born that she wasn't just with another mom, but that she wasn't even born yet. And to make Levi understand that this is it, he doesn't have to leave ever again, even though we were so uncertain for so long.

So even though I often have these feelings of just being overwhelmed, I usually feel better when I have a chance to get away from it all. I think I'm in need of a little get away with the hubby, but when he's working like 21 shifts straight (12 hour night shifts), then it's kind of hard to find the time to get away. And then there's the guilt. I always feel guilty leaving the kids behind! But I'm determined to have a different attitude about it. My marriage needs some work & it's not easy to give it the attention it deserves when my focus has to be 4 kids all the time. I want to set an example for my kids that shows their dad & I taking time to work on "us". Because when they grow up, I don't want them to feel guilty for leaving their kids behind for a weekend or for a date night. I want them to build strong marriages & above all, I want them to enjoy the gift of marriage that God gives them. None of this is ever easy! It's messy, it's complicated, it's hard! Really hard! But it's so worth it! And in the end, I truly love homeschooling! (The highlight of this week was getting new curriculum in the mail) I LOVE my husband, even though he drives me crazy & I want to strangle him for working so much. I love all 4 of theses amazing kids that God entrusted to me & it's a thrill to teach them about Jesus & watch them learn & grow. But for now, I'm overwhelmed, exhausted & trying to remember to enjoy every moment! So to all you moms who may be reading, you're not alone! Have a beautiful Mother's Day & take some time for yourself :) To anyone reading who is not a mom, here's some insight into how moms feel. Take some time to spoil your mom tomorrow. If your mom isn't with you anymore, pick a mom to show some extra love to. Let her know that she's appreciated & understood. It'll go a long way to make her day a little brighter :)

April Happenings

  So 2 weeks ago was April Fools Day. I don't get that into April Fools but I did teach the kids how to prank a few people. The kids played a couple of little jokes on me & their daddy, but the best one just carried over into today and bit me in the bottom! Roman, my 16-year old high school sophomore, goes to a Charter High School where he works on independent studies at home. He goes to actual school one day a week & turns in work and takes tests. On April Fools Day, I told him to tell his teacher that he was dropping out of high school completely & that if he decides to continue with school, he'll be going back to regular school. His teacher is a pretty fun guy with an outgoing personality and I knew he would get a kick out of the prank! He panicked and was telling Roman that he couldn't quit mid semester, etc. Anyway, Roman came clean & told him it was an April Fools joke & his teacher replied by telling Roman that he was going to get even and fail him! Lol! We had a good laugh and I had forgotten alllll about it!
   Now for this week! Somehow, during the course of our day yesterday, Roman & I made a $5 bet on his grades for the week. He bet me that he could get 100% on both of his tests and I told him game on, but he didn't even have to get 100%, just A's would work. But I wanted proof before I forked out 5 bucks, so he had to bring me a signed paper from his teacher! He called around 11 and said he was ready to be picked up, so I asked him how he did. He told me I had to wait until he got home & I had no idea, even though I was rooting for A's! Bryan picked him up & when they finally came in, Roman handed me a paper, signed by his teacher that said he got 98% on both tests today. I was really proud, handed Roman his 5 bucks & when I went to give him a high five, he said, April Fools! From Mr. Ezelle!!! I was like, what?!?! So you really didn't get A's? He said no...he got 2 B's & his teacher said to tell me April Fools and that, "now we're even". LOL! I was cracking up & every time I think about it, it makes me chuckle! I love that his teacher remembered and that he has such a great sense of humor.
   Other than crazy April Fools jokes, a busy and super fun Easter, April has been relatively mild so far! We are currently waiting for a final decision regarding little Levi, but if all of that gets out of the way, we will be able to move forward with finalization and have our family complete by summer! We are praying for confirmation of what we already know to be true today! We love him so much and I cannot even begin to imagine him not being with us. I recovered from surgery very well & feel much better, although I still get pretty moody at times. As far as being a mom of four goes, it's amazing! It might be more work, more stress, more money, more messes & less sleep, but it's also more hugs, more kisses, more I love you's, more rewards, more blessings, more learning, more growing, and so much more than I could have ever thought possible! And even though I don't even pretend to have it all figured out, maybe if I tell myself I do, I'll start to believe it eventually ;) Happy April everyone!! And please, continue to pray for some crazy weather changes! This valley desperately needs water!!
 

Catch up!

   It has certainly been a crazy couple of months and a long while since I've blogged. So I'm going to catch everyone up on our happenings :) My last post was dedicated to my beautiful grandma who is now in heaven and I'm still having a difficult time dealing with her loss. Sometimes, I feel like I'm so strong & can handle all of this, but then I get knocked back down. Since my grandma's death, a close friend lost her grandmother, a local law enforcement officer was murdered by his ex-wife, the girls' dance teacher lost her 11-year old son to a tragic motorcycle accident & another very close friend lost her mother. That's not even mentioning the close friends and family members who have been battling sickness or loss that is just too many to mention. I had a rough month or so after grandma passed and then I was doing much better and then my friends moms funeral was last week. They played Elvis Presley's version of Amazing Grace and that just so happened to have been played at grandmas funeral and I just lost it. I'm so thankful for such a strong, loving, loyal, faithful husband who just doesn't even question it and just wraps me in his arms & lets me have my meltdown. He's had to do that A LOT lately, which feels like it's so unlike me! And then my goofy kids say or do something crazy and it just makes my world a better place. Ok, ok! Enough of the mushy stuff! The truth is, my kids have been driving me CRAZY the last couple of days and sometimes, I just want to strangle them!! They have been loud, obnoxious little boogers who scream, yell, fight & pretty much completely ignore anything and everything I say. I hope it's just a phase, but I don't think so. I think it's just a phase called parenthood! LOL!!
   Now part of the reason I've been having such a hard time this past week is because I am having surgery tomorrow. I am having a hysterectomy, spending time in the hospital and dealing with a long recovery. It kind of sucks! When the decision was made, I was ok with it because I am going to be relieved of issues I've been having since I was 15 years old, but there was this other part that took over. I have been so emotional over this that it's ridiculous! There was a teeny, tiny, very small part of me that has held out hope for all of these years that I would find myself pregnant and get to live out the miracle of child birth. But in reality, I don't want that at all! Not at 37 years old. I wanted it badly for many years, but I am very content with my life, even if it sounds like I'm on a bit of a pity party at the moment. I'm just going to walk you through all of these crazy emotions I've had, just in the last week. I didn't want to tell everyone and make a big deal out of it, but it turns out, it's kind of a big deal and I appreciate the love & support. So once I moved passed the loss of fertility, for good, I moved onto just being scared. I've always been a pretty tough cookie, but I really don't want to be in pain! I'm finding that now that I'm older, I just don't want to do it!! I discovered that I'm just a big baby! But I'm going to do it and it'll be done & over with before I know it. Next up is the hospital itself. I was almost in tears driving there today because it's the first time I've been there since my grandma passed away. And to top it off, I will most likely be on the third floor for my stay. I couldn't even remember the room number, but I just knew I didn't want to wake up in there. So I asked my mom & then I requested that I not be put in the room that holds so many precious memories for me. So the bottom line is that this entire journey has my emotions on such a roller coaster ride! So now I'm just ready to get in, get out & begin my recovery so I can go back to a normal & happier, healthier life.  
   In the midst of all this, we did find some time to take a little mini vacation & that was awesome. We were going to hold off, but figured we better go now in case it's a while before I can handle a long car ride. We spent 4 days camping at a gun range. The kids got to learn some gun safety & become a little more comfortable around guns. They played all during their days, to the point of actually begging me to send them to bed! I love when they're so worn out that they beg to go to sleep! Lol! After we came home from camping, we left the next day & headed to the beach for a couple of days. It was glorious! We only spent one night there, so I would really love to plan to go back soon. Two days just isn't enough. I was reminded of how much I LOVE the beach. Just about any beach, anywhere! Sand under my feet, the cold salt air, the sunshine, the laid back feeling of beach living...I just love it! I really needed the trip, more than I realized and I felt so rejuvenated after coming home. It was such a blessing. I wish I could just go spend all of my recovery on a beach somewhere! THAT would make me happy :)
   To add a little more chaos, Levi's case has been continued a few times and is set to hear Wednesday. Yes. That's right. Right in the middle of my hospital stay. Right after I have surgery. And hopefully we'll finally know that he gets to stay with us forever. He is such a wonderful little man & he has already brought us soooo much joy! We are anticipating that he will get to stay with us, but we do know that there is risk. Prayers for all of our craziness to work it's way out are much appreciated :) As far as the rest of "life" goes, we are adjusting very well to having 4 kids. It's noisy, wild, crazy & so much fun! I didn't think I would love it as much as I do. But it's been really awesome and super easy to adjust. Levi is a perfect fit for our family and we are praying God's will over the situation. We know that God always works it out and it doesn't always go how WE want it or think it should (like my infertility struggles and never bearing a child, which led us to adopt all of our beautiful kids!), but His way is always better than what we imagined. At least, that's been my experience. :) I pray this finds all of you well and that you find comfort in knowing that you're not alone in this crazy world. I'm right there with you :)

Grandma

   The past several days have been an emotional roller coaster for me, and there's still more to come. My beloved grandma fell ill a few days after Christmas and she gained her wings January 8th. I have great hope that she is now pain free and rejoicing in heaven with Jesus, but the ache I feel in my heart not having her here with me is sometimes too much to even bear. It does ease the pain knowing that God calls us all home and she is in a place I can only imagine, but it is still so hard at times. I have awaken every morning for the past 3 or 4 days and as soon as my eyes open, a memory of my grandma comes to mind, and it's followed by the sting of tears. Knowing that I won't hear her voice again, I won't talk to her on the phone, I won't smell her perfume, have another hug from her or another conversation with her just hurts so deeply! But I can promise you this. I am absolutely blessed beyond belief with a family that is there through thick & thin. We have been together for the past week at the hospital and we have been together almost every waking moment since her passing. She leaves behind a family of strong, loving, caring, supportive wonderful people & I have never, in my whole life, doubted that she loved me and was proud of me.
  My grandma Pauline was married to my grandpa for 59 years. How amazing is that? She was in a rehabilitation facility for the past 4 years because she had some health issues and some dementia. At first, she would come home for the holidays and was coming home here & there, but then it stopped for a while. This past year, over the summer, we finally just started going to her. We celebrated her birthday, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, grandma & grandpas anniversary, and also some times of visiting with out of town family. She came home to my moms (her daughter) house for Thanksgiving and Christmas just a few short weeks ago & I am so grateful for this past year and the summer we all had together.. I had some really great visits with grandma on Thanksgiving & Christmas and those are now very cherished memories, since they were her last holidays here on earth. Grandma & grandpa had 5 children, my mom and my 4 uncles. From there, my mom had 3 kids, and between the rest of the kids, there were 13 more, for a whopping 16 grandchildren. As time went on, the family has continued to grow with the addition of 21 great grandchildren. And our grandma loved them all and she was loved by them as well. My grandma & grandpa have always been the kind of people who help people. They've let numerous kids live with them over the years, including Bryan & I when we were newlyweds! Their kids friends called them mom & dad and even the grandkids friends call them grandma & grandpa. They have been such wonderful blessings in my life! I was so close to my grandma when I was growing up. My mom is the oldest child and I am next to the oldest grandchild. With my mom having 4 younger brothers, there is only a 7 year age difference between myself and my youngest uncle. When the youngest boys still lived at home with grandma & grandpa, we felt more like siblings than like uncles & niece. Although, since I was the only girl until I was 10, they were all really good at spoiling me. I was such a mother hen as a little girl and always had one of my younger cousins on my hip as time went on. But those 10 years that I was the only granddaughter were pretty special. My grandma was the BEST at spoiling me. I stayed at her house soooo much when I was young. We were all at their house as a family quite often, but there were also lots of times that I spent the night. When she would give me a bath and wash my hair, I would wear one of Pappas shirts for a gown and she would braid my hair, every time. We always drank root beer out of glass bottles & ate bologna sandwiches. And we would have barbecues at their house and watch the movies from the drive in theater while sitting on the haystack in their backyard. My grandma would take me shopping for school clothes because I'm pretty sure she just loved to shop! And every Friday, my mom, my grandma, my aunt and us kids would go do errands. Paying bills, grocery shopping at Smith's market & trips to the post office were fun adventures for us kids. I always got a yellow smiley face cookie from the bakery. And it was fun!! I remember going to Baby News with grandma when one of the new grandbabies would arrive and she would buy them beautiful outfits to wear home from the hospital. She used to love to go to the movies and she would take me, back when it was the Porter Theater. She spent time with me, always! We all traveled together, camping, hotels, rodeos, just for fun...it didn't matter. We spent a lot of time together. We always took big family vacations to Disneyland every year. She LOVED Disneyland! It's a Small World was her favorite ride and she used to sing that song all the time. We camped together more times than I can count over the years. We took trips to the snow, we celebrated birthday parties & we have just always been a tight knit family. Even in high school, I used to borrow my grandmas clothes. We were the same size back then & she was always very stylish. She loved when I would wear or borrow something of hers. She was just talking about it not too long ago. When I was small, we used to go fishing a lot during the summer. Grandma loved to fish, but she wouldn't bait her own hook and she wouldn't take the fish off the line. Which is really funny, because I used to be he same way. Grandma had a beautiful porcelain doll collection and I think she bought most, if not all of her granddaughters their first porcelain doll. I have a huge collection now too because I collected them for years, but I haven't put them out in probably 10 years.
   To me, grandma was the kind of grandma that I want to be. I loved her so much! There were some hard times and she went through a lot concerning health issues, but those aren't the times I choose to remember. I choose to remember the spunky, loving, proud, wonderful woman that she always was to me. My grandma and grandpa have always held a very special place in my heart. There's never been a shortage of hugs from those two and never a shortage of love. My grandma leaves behind a wonderful legacy & there are just no words to express how much I am going to miss her. She helped make me the person that I am today. She's the reason that I now have 4 kids, she's the reason I have my own doll collection, she's the reason I love shopping so much! She's the reason I have such a stubborn, strong willed personality and she's the reason I love feather mattresses and feather pillows. She's the reason I braid Katie's hair every single night. She's the reason I have such a wonderful mom and such an amazing family. I love her so much & I am so excited for the eternal life she's living now. There's no more pain for her, no sadness, no suffering & she is so happy, I'm sure! But for now, everything comes & goes and some of our times are happy & others are sad. I cry because I miss her but I am happy because she's with our Lord.
   We will meet again, grandma & in the meantime, I will live my life to make you proud! I will cherish our memories and I will pass on the love you shared with me to my kids & my grandkids someday. And I will thank God for putting me in this amazing family & giving me so much time with you. I love you as big as the sky!!