So life has been completely & totally crazy lately. Even more so than normal. We have several huge "life events" happening right now & it comes in the wake of so many more things having happened, beginning just one short year ago. Almost a year ago, Katie had her first of two, major orthopedic surgeries and since then, it has been one major thing after another. I have been so unbelievably emotional lately & trying to keep it all together, yet failing miserably. Don't get me wrong, there have been a lot of bad things happening, but there have also been so many big & small, glorious, wonderful, beautiful things happening too! It comes as no surprise that God always brings something good out of even the worse situations. My faith has been tested time & time again over the course of this past year. I've found that when I try to handle things on my own, its a major fail! But when I trust God and I stay in constant prayer & close contact with Him, everything is easier to cope with & everything turns out just fine! Sometimes, it turns out even better than what I imagine it to be. And I KNOW this to be true, yet I constantly try to take over and handle everything myself. Which ends up with me feeling broken, stressed, lonely, tired, angry, sad. and then what happens? I yell at my kids. I argue with my husband. I close myself off from people I love & I distance myself. I keep myself locked up in my hurt, in my sadness, in my anger & frustration. Bryan knows that I have these moments of crazy, screaming, seriously want to beat somebody senseless moments, so he asks the kids, "did mommy let her crazy out today?" And they know. They know the crazy mom. They know the one who completely loses control & gives in to all of those negative feelings. I don't want to be THAT mom!! I desire to be a kind, compassionate, gentle, soft, joyful mom with a fighters heart. I love my husband & my children with everything I have! But I NEED to love them better!! I NEED to be the wife, mother, & woman that they DESERVE. And it's time I become that person. There are things happening that are out of my control & it's not my job to worry about them. God has this all under control & my doubts, fears and worries are human nature, not godly feelings. Why am I telling myself that God can't handle it? I'm pretty sure He doesn't need my input! He has a plan and a purpose for me. He doesn't make mistakes. When I try to take over & handle it all myself, what am I saying about my faith? What am I showing others about my faith? In John 20:24-29, the bible tells about Thomas, one of Jesus' disciples. When Jesus was resurrected, Thomas refused to believe. He said he would only believe if he could put his hands in the nail marks or touch his hand to Jesus' side, only then would he believe. So a week later, Jesus appeared.
John 20:27-29 "Then he said to Thomas, 'Put your finger here; see my hands. Reach out your hand and put it into my side. Stop doubting and believe.' Thomas said to him, 'My Lord and my God!' Then Jesus told him, 'Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.'"
Wow! STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE!!! I think it's normal for us all to doubt. It's normal for us all to give in to negative feelings & try to do it ourselves. But I needed this tidbit of TRUTH to remind ME to STOP DOUBTING AND BELIEVE. I need it to hit me over the head like a hammer and to remind me that I am NOT the one in control! I NEED Jesus. I NEED Him to knock me on the head and remind me, again, to follow, not try to lead. I need to pray and ask for guidance before any and all choices I make. I need to pray without ceasing and I need to get my focus back. I need to quit beating myself up about things I do wrong and instead, rejoice in the things we do for the Lord. I'm on my way to that, still a work in progress, but as Lysa TerKeurst writes, it's an imperfect progress!
