Contentment

Me: Sitting at the table, drinking my coffee, reading a book

Paisley: walks into the room a little sleepy eyed & said, “good morning, mom. I like when you’ve had your coffee & you’re calm & you look like that.”

Me: what do you mean? I’m not calm all the time?

Paisley: you are, but coffee makes you really calm.

I think she meant content, but she doesn’t know that word yet. I was flattered that my happiness appears to be noticeable to my kiddos 😍😍 We have been through a whirlwind of stuff over the last several months & I’m learning to find my “calm.” I appreciate all the thoughts & prayers from those closest to me who know what I’ve been dealing with, and at  times, I’ve had to just cope on my own. But I am in love with my life, with my circle of people around me & with where I’m at at this exact moment. Sure, there are lots of things that could be a little different & definitely things that could be better, but I am learning to be content in all circumstances. It’s easy to be content when life is going smoothly, the kids are behaving, work is awesome, marriage is great, etc. but how do we manage to be content when it ALL comes crashing down? How do you become content when your marriage of almost 21 years ends, abruptly, and leaves you breathless and alone? When you are looking for work & have gone on a few interviews and nothing has panned out? When you watch your kids make poor choice after poor choice? When you watch yourself make poor choice after poor choice? When you’ve had to deal with multiple deaths of people you loved so much more than you can express? How do you keep smiling through that & actually FEEL happiness & contentment? The only answer I can come up with as to how all of these things  can happen & you can STILL find positivity & happiness is God. Don’t get me wrong, I have definitely wavered, I have doubted, I have searched & struggled & I continue to search & struggle, and I have grieved. Man have I grieved and cried and felt like my heart was ripping out of my chest & I couldn’t breathe. But He’s still there & that has never ever changed. I have always said that I truly believe that beauty can always rise from the ashes of even the most devastating things. I didn’t realize that I was going to have to walk this path & realize this for myself, once again, as I deal with these major life changes, but the feelings I feel are nothing short of contentment. I’m so grateful for those who have shown me an endless amount of grace on this journey I’m on & I truly hope that I am the same kind of friend in return. I have been told for so long how self care is so important and how we can’t care for others until we can care for ourselves. I never realized the importance & the validity of those statements until I had no choice. When everything began to change, I HAD to take care of myself first. The mom guilt kicked in BIG time when I did that & it was hard for the kids to figure out what was happening during that time, but they’re used to it now & judging from my kids reaction to me enjoying a quiet cup of coffee this morning, I think they love me even more than they did before. Its true what they say, you have no idea how strong you are until strong is the only choice you have. I went from surviving to blossoming & I pray I continue on THIS path. It’s much more fun than just surviving or getting by. I will leave you with this: Phillipians 4:10-13 I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and all every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

I may not show it all the time & I continue to make choices that may not be the best & I continue to struggle, but I am enjoying being me & I’m realizing that THAT is enough. I hope someone might get a little bit of inspiration out of a tiny little portion of my story. 

Is there such a thing as a clean dirty?

Over the last few days, I realize that even on my laziest days, I spend a great deal of time cleaning. Those of you who know me are probably wondering why my house is such a mess if I clean all day long. Well I have 5 reasons WHY the house is still a mess & their names are Bryan, Roman, Katie, Paisley & Levi. I am not even kidding!!! Every meal that we eat results in a spill of some kind. Every. Single. Meal. Today, Katie dropped her water all over the floor at breakfast & her goldfish all over the floor at lunch. Bryan yelled at Levi a couple of days ago because he knocked his cup of water over at dinner & Roman & I laughed at him. He's so naive!! How does he not know that it's not a meal in the Clower house if something doesn't get spilled? Sometimes I spill something myself, just to fit in. On top of the spills, when you're making 3 meals a day at home, plus snacks, the dishes are NEVERENDING. And don't get me started on the laundry! You know, the laundry that your husband needs clean by the next morning & he doesn't tell you about it until 9 or 10 o'clock at night? Usually after he's had such a long day and he's so exhausted that the only sweet, adoring, look I get from him is because he's manipulating me to stay up & wash his clothes for him. Yeah. That laundry! It never stops & I never say no, because I can't resist that handsome guy. Almost twenty years in & even though it annoys the crap out of me, I do it anyway. I can't help it. He works his butt off & I get to stay home & be a Mom. All day, everyday. Every single, monotonous, boring, lonely, I wanna pull my hair out if I hear the kids fighting one more time, day. Wait. Where was I? Oh yeah. The cleaning! I have soooo much work to do in my house & I desparately need to declutter, but I'm constantly pulled in another direction. Usually to clean up another spill or an overflowing toilet or wipe someone's face or butt. I forget how to even communicate with adults sometimes! When I'm told that I'll miss this, I never believe it! How can I miss this? Well, as I get older, I like to believe I'm getting wiser. Which means that I need to listen to the even older & even wiser people who tell me I will miss it. They're probably right! Heck, I have an 18 year old college student & when he mentions that he's thought about moving out, my heart breaks a little (ok, a lot!)! I don't want these guys to grow up!! The struggle is real. All you mamma's out there, young or old, I feel you, man! This job is tough!! I've been reminding myself lately that every thing I do throughout my day is an act of love for my family, which is pleasing to the Lord. When I give in to my handsome hubby & wash his clothes, it's an act of love. When I take Katie to the restroom or give my children a bath, it's an act of love. When I prepare a meal or go grocery shopping so that my family has food in the house, it's an act of love. Taking my kid to the doctor for a sprained ankle or a physical is an act of love. It's not always the good stuff or the fun stuff (even though that counts too!) But this every day, getting your hands dirty kind of thing is living a life of love & a life of service. I just need to squeeze a little self love in there, too. The other night we were headed to Visalia & our plans were thwarted, so Bryan & I, unexpectedly, had dinner together without the children. I'm not going to lie. I didn't love my meal & I hardly ate anything, but it was still pretty glorious! Just to have some time together with JUST the two of us was something we haven't had in quite some time & I found out I still like him! You should do that once in a while. Go out with your spouse, without the kids, just to make sure you still like each other. All those older & wiser people who say that you have to take care of yourself before you can take care of others? Yeah. They know what they're talking about! I guess I can do this for another 20 years...as long as he sticks around through the days of sticky floors, messy counters & couches full of laundry. 1 Corinthians 13:3 "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

2016

Hi there!! It has been a while & I have been a little out of touch. Someone asked me the other day if I still blog & when I thought about it, I realized it had been close to 2 years since I had written, so here I am. What is one word to describe what I've been up to the last year & a half-2 years? Chaos. Life has been sooo crazy & I have been trying so hard to keep up. As I was driving Paisley to dance today, I was doubting myself (as usual) & thinking that I am just so tired (you know! Pretty much every moms complaint, if they're being honest ;)). I pretty much feel exhausted ALL the time (dance classes 3 nights a week, 4-H once a month & a full time college student will do it to you!) & I was feeling sorry for myself, when a little voice came into my head and reminded me what life was like before I had children & how badly I wanted these guys. I was humbled by that little voice & reminded to appreciate my time with my kids. It seems like so long ago at times, but other times it seems like just yesterday. That battle with infertility was a rough one, but look at us now! Four incredible kids that I couldn't imagine our life without! It's amazing to me that we will be celebrating our 20th wedding anniversary in 7 months!

As crazy as life has been, all I've been doing lately is raising kids. That's it. Nothing special, nothing fancy, rarely getting out of the house anymore for fun & just up to my elbows in child rearing. Bryan often works long hours & that leaves me to do pretty much everything else. When he's home, he doesn't move too far from the couch & he goes to bed super early, sometimes before the kids, because of his early mornings. As tired as I feel most of the time, I can relate, but since my only quiet time is after the kids go to bed, I stay up late to enjoy my own tv shows & not listen to the kids for a little while ;) I'm not going to lie though...I often resent him for it. When we argue over his lack of motivation, he's really good at spinning it around to make me the bad guy. I'm a nag, I complain all the time, I'm this, I'm that...it's really too exhausting to list it all. It resulted in me seeing a counselor last year at this time to try to figure out how to manage life. It was super helpful to have someone to talk to, but when it came time for the both of us to see her, my husband refused. Which resulted in more fights. When he finally agreed, I was ecstatic & looking forward to the help it would bring to our relationship. But after several failed attempts & a mountain of excuses as to why he couldn't go, the idea of marriage counseling (to his satisfaction) was scrapped & I haven't been back, either. Maybe someday we'll head down that road again, but it's on hold for now. We do attempt date nights every so often though...not as often as I would like, but as often as our schedules allow. Please keep us in your prayers in this area of life.

Back to the kids!  As Roman has gotten older, I enjoy the new things he's doing in life & I appreciate his sense of responsibility, his enthusiasm for life & his motivation to do well. He graduated in May, he's attending college, working at the college & just got his license last week. It's such an exciting time for him & it's exciting to be his mamma as he navigates more adult responsibilities. 

Katie had ANOTHER surgery the end of August and has been doing amazing since then. No more pain in those hips & she's finally getting back to her old self. It's going to take some time since she kind of had 3 years off, but she's working on some things that are exciting to her & I. She asked me not to share until she gets really good at it, so I will respect that & will be sharing more on that very soon, I promise :) 

Paisley is thriving in kindergarten. She's growing up, physically & mentally. She still cracks me up on a daily basis, with her most recent being yesterday. Her leg was sore for some reason, probably growing pains, but she told me she thought she had a rib broken in her leg 😂😂 I told her that if that were true, the broken rib is probably the least of our worries. She never fails to entertain, that's for sure!

Levi is growing, growing, growing! His birthday is Friday and he'll be FOUR years old! I can't believe it's been that long! The last 2 years with him have flown by. He talks ALL the time, he's a wild & crazy boy who will find a dirt pile anywhere he goes & no matter what he's wearing. He is learning his ABC's, he knows how to write his name & he can count to 10. He loves to cuddle with mommy still and occasionally asks if I will rock him to sleep. He still takes pride in being mommys baby boy & I love every single second of him telling me that I'm his favorite. His most recent funny is when he gets in trouble, he bats his eyelashes at me and says, "but I'm so cute" Little stinker! 

Overall, life has been good. Scary at times, but good. The war on law enforcement in this country has gotten way out of hand & causes me to worry, but I'm praying that begins to slow down. It is a scary world to send my man into every day. 

As always, God has blessed us more than we deserve & he continues to do so every day. I'm thankful for his mercy & grace, because I sure don't deserve it! Be blessed you all & remember that no matter what, God is in control! ❤️❤️❤️

Our crazy life

I managed to cook dinner Monday night for the first time in what has felt like months!! Things in the Clower house have been on an entirely different level of hectic, stressful, busy, chaotic...whatever you want to call it. I feel like my head has been spinning & sometimes, when I look at my calendar, I wonder where I'm going to get the energy to keep up with it 😳 I'm blessed to have a hard working husband & a house full of active, healthy, busy kiddos. I'm exhausted, but I remember a time that I yearned for this life & it was out of reach. Nine years ago, the Raya family headed to Ukraine to bring our boys home for good & our lives changed forever! A few days after they left, we got a phone call about a sweet little girl for us to meet to see if she was a fit for our family. I held my precious Katie in my arms for the first time & fell head over heels in love with that chubby faced, perfectly sweet, smiley little girl! Five weeks later, the Raya's came home & we picked Roman up at the airport in LA & we became a family of four, what seemed like overnight. It was pretty amazing!! Now, we're a family of 6, the kids are growing like crazy & keeping us so busy with their various activities. And by us, I mean me, usually ;) Bryan worked all of last week until super late every day because he was working a case, Levi ran a fever off & on all week, the other kids had various appointments & activities. The one day Bryan made it home on time, we were each going in different directions & didn't see each other anyway. Monday night he was home by 6:30 & of course, I had to take the kids to a 4-H meeting. I was running late because when I went in for a smooch goodbye, I couldn't bring myself to leave his embrace. I miss him so much when he works so much! I'm hoping to get in a much needed vacation once fair & dance recitals are over & before Katie has her next surgery. Oh, did I forget to mention that? Amid the chaos, Katie had an ortho appointment & she has to have the tendon in her right leg released again, in hopes of legthening it & straightening her out. Along with that, the dr is going to take the hardware out of both of her hips. It sounds like a lot, but it's not a major surgery. No strenuous activity for 6 weeks because the bone has to heal after having the plate & screws taken out, but other than that, she should be good to go. It's nerve wracking, of course & I don't have all the details, all I know is that I didn't want to do it right now when we have so much going on, when SHE has so much going on. She's a busy girl these days & she loves every minute of it!! Roman has been staying super busy, too. 4-H has been great for him! He loves shooting sports & archery & he has a few competitions coming up this month that he's super excited about. He failed his eye exam at DMV last week, so that's how I discovered that he's near sighted & needs glasses. He'll be going in a couple of weeks to take his written test & his paperwork from the eye dr & if he passes, he'll get his permit! He's so excited to start driving & I'm looking forward to having a "chauffeur" for 6 months ;) Paisley talks about starting kindergarten ALL the time & she loves to sing. She's looking forward to their next dance recital, since the stage calls her name ;) Levi is mammas sweet little prince & as happy & active as every other 3 year old. Our lives are still in quite the "adjustment" period since finalizing everyone's adoptions. We received the boys' social security cards the other day, so our whole family is Clower on every legal document there is!! They were already official, but now they're official on EVERYTHING! That's a good feeling, especially after all the trouble with immigration paperwork! :) Bryan is loving his position as a Violent Crimes Detective and it's wonderful having him home in the evenings and on weekends (some of the time, anyway). Except when he calls me as he's leaving work everyday & asks what's for dinner because he's starving. He's spoiled & wants dinner as soon as he gets home, but when he's on call or working a case, I never know WHEN he's going to get home. So that creates a little frustration, plus I'm busy with the kids, myself, yet he wants dinner NOW. Men!! ;) lol!! My ThirtyOne business is booming. I'm very close to promoting to director & I was hoping it would happen this month, but as busy as I've been with family obligations, I'm just not sure it will. But that's ok! It'll happen when the time is right & that makes me pretty excited :) I love the company, I love the sisterhood that is known as the pink bubble, I love getting to spend time with other women & making new friends, and I love celebrating & encouraging other women! Plus, the bags are beautiful, useful & a great quality ;) I could not have chosen a better direct sales company to be a part of.
We've hit quite a few rough patches over the last few months, but we're making it through. It has been pure survival mode lately, but such is life! It's a beautiful mess :) As usual, we find help in Gods word when dealing with any situation. Matthew 6:34 says, "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own" I am far from a "perfect" Christian, I make mistakes every single day, but I would NOT be able to get by without God by my side. As these days have been so busy & we've dealt with so much sadness, loss, & grief, it's a good reminder to not worry about tomorrow. I will continue to seek Gods kingdom above all else & let tomorrow worry about itself. Have a great day :)

Adoption

Since November is Adoption Awareness Month & we get to finalize our last adoption ON National Adoption Day, I figured today would be a great day for a new blog post & an update on our crazy lives! It's been a while!! Four kids and everyone going in different directions has been challenging, rewarding, trying & amazing. But most of all, just plain CRAZY, especially with 2 toddler/pre-school aged children in the house.
I think it's been close to a year ago since my last post. It was a year ago today that little Levi came into our lives, scared, sad & broken. And in that year, he has made AMAZING changes. He's super attached, a total mamas boy (and proud of it!), sweet, talkative, sensitive, happy, intelligent, active. All the things that any mother would dream of for her little man to be! He's perfect :) He began his life with us in the Bright Start program with a very limited vocabulary & some developmental delays. A year later, he's graduated from the program with flying colors. He is beyond where he should be at his age & he talks NON STOP! I've always been a little confused as to why there were so many concerns with him, because once he had some attention & a place of belonging, he just blossomed! He really has just amazed me, just like the rest of my kids!
All of my kids have this way about them. They win hearts everywhere they go, and then when people hear their stories, they are even more amazed by them. I am too! My kids and I did a little fundraiser & had people sponsor a bag to donate to foster care for kids to have something to use to move their belongings from home to home. I am a ThirtyOne consultant so we did it through me & we were able to purchase cinch sacs, toothbrushes & stuffed animals to bless 8 children with. I was discussing it yesterday, with Katie, Paisley & Levi & we ended up talking about how we were finalizing Levi's adoption Friday & about all of their lives before they came to be with us. And OUR life before they came to be with us, too. This is a hard subject to discuss with little kids who don't understand! But since we were making this donation to CWS, I was making it relatable to them. I explained that sometimes mommy's who grow their babies can't take care of them, or they have lots of problems & don't know how to be good, and some have to go to jail, some don't keep their children safe, some use drugs, some pass away. It's not because they don't love them, it's because they don't know how to love them. Sometimes it's a vicious cycle, often times it's due to addiction, sometimes its financial, sometimes it's abuse. There are more reasons than you can imagine! But I had to also share with them the other end of the spectrum! Those of us who tried for so long to have babies & we were unable to because there was a different plan for us. I shared with them that I had 2 babies in my belly who died & we just couldn't afford to travel down any other avenues to make that happen. Plus, we were at the end of our rope emotionally! But God had a plan. He had a plan for me, for Bryan, for Roman, for Katie, for Paisley & for Levi. He took all 6 of us who were sad, broken, lonely & longing for a family & He turned us into this wild, crazy, perfectly imperfect FAMILY! Bryan & I were almost ready to give up completely & live out a life without children, just the 2 of us. And now? Now we have FOUR kids & try, usually unsuccessfully, to squeeze in even a few hours of time with just the 2 of us.
I can't imagine how different things would be if the kids hadn't come into our lives!
Adoption is such a beautiful thing! But it's also really messy. It has its share of ugly in there & it's really, really hard! The end result is a beautiful tapestry where you can see how perfectly woven together your family is, but there are things that go on behind the scenes that nobody realizes are there. As with other families, I'm sure. But when you adopt, you are agreeing to raise a child that you didn't give birth to. You're choosing to love them through their issues, you're choosing to take on the responsibility of raising someone else's child, you're agreeing to deal with behaviors & attachment issues (as the parents and for the child) & you're putting yourself into little lives that have already seen & lived through so much more than what you, as an adult, can even imagine. You're agreeing to take the broken heart when your child grows up & wants to meet their "real" mom or dad. I've had a difficult adjustment with my growing family. As the parent, you really tend to take on their loss as your own, and when they've lost their biological family, there is definitely a grief & loss they have to deal with. Plus, I've dealt with my own loss. As much as we try to be a "normal" family, we are far from it! When you're dealing with a child with behavior issues because of their past, and nobody else in the "real world" understands that it's not just "normal" behavior, it can make you feel quite frustrated. When nobody else sees the big picture, you feel isolated. When you don't want to reach out for help because you hear people talking about how bad this kid is or that kid is & about how this mom doesn't parent this way or that way & you just know that if you reach out, you're going to be one of those "judged" moms, then it makes you feel alone. I'm sure there are plenty of other parents who feel this way, and I'm certainly not trying to take away from that. But when you adopt, you make a choice to take on all of this & you also know that all of these feelings, all of these failures & all of the loneliness is magnified. Because nobody gets your story unless they've been through it. There are so many types of adoption, but loss & grief definitely comes with all of them, in my opinion. My kids sometimes need a little more patience & a little more understanding because of what they came from! And us, as their parents, need a little more patience & a little more understanding from other adults because of what we may be dealing with at home. Ultimately, adoption has been the most beautiful experience of our lives, and we are blessed beyond belief by the love & support of our family & friends. I'm ok with my family not being "normal." My kids all have an incredible story to share & im sure they will, someday. And I hope that when they do, they are able to share Gods love, His grace, His mercy, His forgiveness. Because without that, they wouldn't be where they are! And I wouldn't either!!
I sometimes feel like I only post when I'm feeling Gods love the most in my life, so please don't think I'm always good or perfect! I am soooo far from it & I have struggled with my faith ALOT over the past year. I've been battling grief, weight, health issues. Some days I don't even feel like getting out of bed, then I remember, oh yeah! I've got God on my side & it will be OK. It's been a struggle, for sure! But that's why I'm choosing to focus on the positive! And I wanted to take a moment today to talk about adoption. It has schanged my life drastically! We closed our doors & Levi is definitely our last one, so for now, we are loving all the fun experiences we get to have with this Crazy Clower Clan. And I am so thankful & amazed, yet again, by Gods love.






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Water situation

For those of you who are wondering, here's a little update & back story on our water situation. I'll start at the beginning...

Last summer, our well quit pumping water. We thought we were completely out because of the drought situation. We called a well company & they came out & were able to drop our pump about 15 feet & we had water again. Yay! Fast forward to March-running water, then BAM. No more water :(
We knew we couldn't drop our pump anymore, so our well was dry. We called our county who is responsible for drought assistance & they have a waiting list you can get on to get a tank of water, which is piped into your house & refilled every week or every other week. Awesome! We were told it would be a month or 2 waiting list, which was fine, and we hooked onto the neighbors house with a hose. We were super conservative with water, only showering every other day, using all paper & plastic, not watering the lawn, recycling the kids' bath water to water flowers, etc. Our water was being provided through a 100' hose that connected us to the neighboring property. When the sun would shine on the hose, the water coming out into the house was literally scalding hot & would bubble and smelled & tasted like rubber. So I hooked us up with Sparkletts & we received a water cooler with hot & cold water & however many 5 gallon jugs of drinking water I need every week, which we pay for. A couple of weeks passed & we called the county to see where we were at & were told we weren't on the list. Apparently they had no record of our phone call, so we went through all the questions again & we were assured we were on the list this time & it would be handled. April came & went and we never received our tank. In May, I started calling & after a few times of being told, "I'm away from my desk, call me Monday" or "I'll look it up & call you back," I would get busy with the kids & I ASSUMED they had it handled & we were on the list. In July, we called again & were wondering what was going on. Apparently, all of our information was lost AGAIN & we weren't on the list. So we went through all the information in hopes that they wouldn't lose it this time. Two days later, our neighbors well & our only source of water, went dry. I was FURIOUS!! If we had been on the list like we were supposed to have been at the beginning, we would have already had our tank hooked up & water coming every week. After a little venting post on Facebook, a friend helped get the ball rolling. Someone called us & apologized about the situation & an assessor was out the next day. We were told we would have a tank in 2 weeks. Three & a half weeks later, we called to find out why we STILL didn't have a water tank & we were told that the permit was pulled a week prior & that we should be getting it any day. After another weekend of no water tank, having to go elsewhere to shower, many arguments with the husband & high stress levels, I called on Monday of this week. I was NOT happy & I made sure they understood the entirety of the situation & exactly why I was so upset. I wasn't rude, but I was firm & I made my expectations clear. We received a phone call stating that we were scheduled for install on Thursday. The following day, 2 tanks were delivered. Two beautiful, glorious tanks that will hold water & give us the ability to flush toilets, wash our hands, bathe our children & live a somewhat normal life! I was on cloud 9!!! The next day, Thursday (yesterday), they came & installed them. Hooked them to the house & had them all ready to go. The installer told me they would be here any minute with water. We decided to wait for water instead of going to run errands & stuff. We couldn't wait to take a shower in our own home & even the kids were excited to not have a sponge bath. About 4:30, I called because we still didn't have water. I was told we were on the schedule for that day & that they work 12 hour shifts so it could be any time. Finally, we had a birthday party to attend & I went to get shampoo & a few other things I needed in anticipation of a hot shower! Came home from the party, NOTHING!!! Needless to say, I wanted to cry. I went to bed, very unhappy & woke up ready to make some heads roll. Up to this point, I have been very nice every time I've had to call someone. I was on the phone first thing this morning & I made sure they understood my displeasure. I STILL don't have water, although I'm told the water delivery driver is one of the better ones & they're supposedly calling him & he would more than likely be delivering water right away. And nobody seems to have any answers as to why the water wasn't delivered yesterday, as scheduled. So I let them know that, considering all of the times I've had to call & stay on top of it, that I'm very concerned that I will have to call them weekly wondering where our water is. And believe me, if I don't have water by noon today, I WILL be calling, AGAIN & speaking to a supervisor. We're in the home stretch & once we get the temporary water figured out, we've already got the line out for a new well. Which is a significant amount of money that we don't really have, but I guess we have to do what we have to do. This has been an extremely frustrating situation. And I also want to add that we pay taxes to our irrigation district & the purpose for those taxes is for them to release ground water and keep the aquifers filled up. There is absolutely no point in lake success having any water in it, other than for recreation. It should be released & used as a starting point to replenish the ground water. There are currently no plans made by the state to build holding areas for future drought issues, there is no water coming from up north to help out the Central Valley & farmers continue to have no restriction on ground water pumping, which is depleting the aquifers. They can pump ground water for cheaper than they can get their water from the irrigation district, so when the drought subsides a little, what will happen? Do you think they'll pay more for the irrigation district water or will they continue to pump the ground water & deplete the aquifer? I'm not anti farmer, at all. I'm just tired of being made to feel like residents don't matter, only the farmers matter. I apologize for my rant & I apologize if I offend anyone, but please understand where I am coming from. And also, please pray for my sanity! I prayed before I made the phone call this morning, just so that I didn't lose it over the phone. I don't want to be a horrible person, but I continue to be tested & my patience has grown very thin. I sometimes wonder if people only like me because of Bryan, because everyone thinks he's the nice one. He always maintains his cool, to everyone else, and I tend to wear my emotions on my sleeve. It's hard being a girl sometimes! Lol! I'm praying for other people in similar situations as ours & I pray there's an end in sight. I don't want to move & leave our home behind, but I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm praying that today brings us the help we need because I don't think I can do it for another weekend :(


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Our Crazy Life

     So there's a reason I chose the name, Crazy Clower Clan for my blog title. It seems that no matter what happens in life, I can always count on our craziness to humor me. And this summer has been no exception! It's kind of been one of those, laugh, trust God to see us through or we're likely to go completely, certifiably, live in an asylum kind of crazy! Our summer started off with our oldest leaving to go work at a church camp for the summer, which made me totally proud, yet completely sad at the same time. And of course, Bryan has been working a lot, (and nights at that!) which means that I spend a lot of time at home. Alone. With our three youngest children. A 9 year old with limited mobility, a 4-year old that always manages to get on my very last nerve and a rambunctious 2-year old boy. I'm not complaining, they definitely keep me entertained & we've had some great one on one time. They sometimes drive me crazy, but more than that are all of those wonderful little I love you's & random hugs & lots & lots of cuddles! I'm trying to remember to focus on all the affection these little one's give me since my oldest thinks he's too big to love on his mamma the same way ;)
     After about a month of pretty much constant summer chaos, we decided to make a trip to Sacramento to visit a dear friend over 4th of July weekend. It was my cousin, my 3 youngest & myself. Bryan had to work & I desperately needed my friend! The trip there was relatively smooth until we arrived. When we unloaded Katie's wheelchair, her control panel with the buttons was gone off of her joystick. After a slight, "what the heck are we gonna do?!," we discovered that beaters off of a hand mixer worked great to operate the chair. I was able to turn it on & off by pushing those onto the electronics. So we had a good laugh about having to carry those around in my purse & couldn't, for the life of us, come up with a better solution. So our weekend began. The next day, we were headed to the store, kids & wheelchair in tow, and I hit a speed bump a little harder than I meant to. Not major, just a little harder. We hear a loud crash & I smell something hot, almost like breaks so we stop, in the middle of the road & jump out of the truck. The wheelchair lift broke!! With a 300 pound wheelchair strapped to it!! I was beginning to think I should have just stayed home, but luckily, my cousin & I figured it out. We got the wheelchair off the truck, with about 15 cars driving around us & nobody bothering to offer to help us. She pushed the chair back to the house & I drove to pick her up. Thank goodness for Google! I found a machine shop, got directions & went to get the lift repaired! And since the key to the hitch pin was on my other keys in Porterville, I couldn't just drop the lift off. We had to wait for about 2 hours while it was being fixed. But we managed & it got done! We felt accomplished for being women & children & problem solving all by ourselves! Lol! The rest of the trip went off without a hitch...except when, at the capital building, security needed to look inside my purse to see what the funny shaped item on the x-ray machine was. (Don't forget about the beaters we were using to operate the chair) After a wonderful, full, fulfilling weekend of friendship. love, laughs & lots of visiting, we headed home. That trip was significantly uneventful, other than rocking out to music on my phone & cracking up when Paisley started doing Katie's dance moves to Girls Just Wanna Have Fun. In her sleep!! See? Those kids keep me so entertained! Oh yeah! And AFTER we arrived home, I brilliantly realized that I could have used a screwdriver, allen wrenches, bobby pins, etc. to operate Katie's wheelchair. But that wouldn't have been nearly as funny as the beaters! I will never forget the beaters!! After getting home, all was going pretty well. The kids & I took a trip to the mountains to visit Roman, Bryan & I took the little ones to the beach for a day trip, and that's about all we've had time for.
    And then last week came. Way back at the beginning of March, our well had gone dry. We were hooked up to my in-laws water and waiting for a water tank from the county that never arrived. Last week, we lost our water supply, again and we were still nowhere with a tank. Finally, a friend pulled through for us & the situation has been rectified. We should be receiving a pressurized water tank next week, which seems like so far away, but it's much better than what it has been! I'm so thankful for so many friends & family who have brought us lots of water, paper goods, etc & they have truly been God sent! And even though we're doing ok on water at the moment, it has not been easy! We have to shower & do laundry at my moms, which gives us a reason to go hang out with her, but it is definitely not the same as being able to just run a household normally. I've been potty training Levi, which he's been doing great at, but we've had a few accidents and I had to go back to pull ups at bedtime, just to not have to wash his bedding twice a week. I avoid cooking because I don't want to use the water we have for dishes, I would much rather be able to flush. I feel like we're camping, but in our home. And I don't love camping, so needless to say, I haven't been the happiest mom/wife! The kids taught me a song today, randomly, from Daniel Tiger & now I have it stuck in my head & I need to use it. "When you get so mad that you want to roar, take a deep breath & count to four! 1-2-3-4!" Maybe it was them telling me to be better about keeping my cool. I don't know, but I do know that I'm happy my kids are so easy going. They just roll with the punches & don't even realize that anything is any different. I told Bryan the other day that I don't even think the kids realize we don't have any water. They're clean, fed, happy & very well taken care of. Their needs are met & since it doesn't inconvenience them, I guess that means I'm doing my job ;) I was straightening up in the bathroom yesterday & replenishing water, and when I walked in the living room the door was open and Levi was outside. I asked him what he was doing & he said, "Levi peepee yard!" This was the day after he decided to pee in the yard at a friends house, During a birthday party...I guess he's trying to help us conserve water? Or he's just acting like a boy who lives in the country & he just really likes peeing in the yard. Either way, it makes me laugh!
     Since we've been out of water, Katie's electric wheelchair finally gave up completely & it's completely out of commission, waiting on insurance stuff & then approval for parts. She hasn't been happy about losing her mobility & I haven't been happy about that, either. Night shift is certainly taking it's toll on our marriage. We never see each other, it's hard to sleep during the day, everyone is stressed out, cranky & tired when we do actually see each other & it seemed like there was no end in sight. However, Bryan will be going to day shift this weekend (as long as his schedule holds out)! I am so, unbelievably happy about this news!!! It will make a world of difference to have daddy at home again in the evenings. The kids will know when they get to see him again, he will have daylight left before he goes to bed and be able to get things done & we will actually feel somewhat normal again. I hope! Through all of the trials we've been facing lately, I continue to trust in God. I know He shines stronger in our weaknesses & I feel like I'm finally seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. This year has brought so many changes in our family, both good & bad. It's been a year since my first blog post where I first shared our story, which you can read here http://crazyclowers.blogspot.com/2014/07/my-story.html It has been a year since Katie received her power wheelchair, a year since we ran out of water the FIRST time (this is the third time in a year!), 8 months since we received our surprise little blessing, Levi, 6-months since we lost my grandma, 4-months since I had my hysterectomy. It's definitely been a year full of ups and downs, and although I try to keep a smile on my face & be strong through it all, it is not without Gods grace that I manage to even get through. Some days are harder than others & all I can say is, I'm trying. I sometimes miss the peacefulness we had before we had 2 toddlers in the house, but I wouldn't trade it for anything! Some of these stages that we're going through, we skipped over with Roman & Katie, so Paisley & Levi are breaking us in pretty good! And oh my goodness, are they doing their job well! Lol! As Roman gets older and we still have a 2 year old in the house, I sometimes wonder what I was thinking. But I do now know, without a doubt, that we are done having children. I feel like Paisley & Levi are almost like a 2nd family since they are so much younger than the other 2. As much as I love the kiddos being young, I truly do look forward to the older stages of their lives as well. Bryan & I celebrated 18 years of marriage last month & I'm looking forward to what the next 18 years will bring us. I find myself looking forward to having grown children, grandchildren, a husband who is home more often & us being able to travel & do things together, just the two of us. I miss him. I miss him being at work all the time, I miss having him to myself, I miss having my own life to myself. Lol! And I may catch some flack for saying those things, but it's true. I do enjoy the stage we are at now, but it is definitely a difficult one. We seem to be at odds more often than not and we are completely going in different directions most of the time. It will be interesting to see what God has in store for the next 20 years. So with that being said, we will continue to be the Crazy Clower Clan & I will continue these wonderful adventures of child rearing & I will continue to find the humor in each day that I'm blessed with these wonderful little people who take up all my time, invade all of my privacy & demand my constant attention. Because truth be told, there's nothing else I would rather be doing.